Morning

  My dear husband,

I woke up this morning in tears, calling out your name. Even in my dreams, I miss you....I miss us. When I awoke, I realized that I have so many questions for you. So many things I wish you could answer....

Who was there to greet you when you passed? Was it your grandfather that you were so close to? Did you turn back to see me at any point when you were leaving? Did you watch as I tried to save you? Were you the reason I didn't panic? Were you there, giving me a hug while I did the unimaginable to the person I loved? Helping me do everything I could so that I wouldn't regret not doing more? What have you been doing these last 6 months? I know that learning continues, so I would imagine you are learning new things all the time. Have you met my family? My aunt you never knew, and my grandparents from both of my sides? You knew my uncle, you and he got along great. I'm sure you two have had many conversations now. 

Is it terrible that I wonder if you miss me? I know time isn't the same there. That maybe, for you, it will just be a blink of an eye before I'm with you again, regardless of how many years pass here. But I wonder if your soul misses mine like mine misses yours. I'm sure you are keeping an eye on me. Cheering me on and doing whatever you can to send me strength and encouragement. I am sure my whole family on that side is doing the same...but I like to imagine you are my team leader now. 

Is heaven beautiful? I am sure it is. I saw a beautiful art piece that was made by a woman whose niece had passed away. She painted her niece running through a forest, and she kept getting the impression that she needed to use brighter colors. That heaven had such beautiful colors that we just couldn't understand it here. In my mind, you have found us a spot in the forests of heaven. And then you're getting things ready for when it's my time to join you. 

I have a lot of imaginings anymore. You in heaven, getting things ready for me. You chatting with your ancestors and mine. Getting to know everyone and being so very social, like you were here. You, with your big smile, laughing, and just simply being happy and carefree. You...being the one to greet me when it's my turn...I see that one so very clear. You coming to me, with your hand outstretched and saying "hey wifey". I can hear it in my mind so very clearly. 

Did you see me be brave? I have had to be so brave for so many things lately. Did you see how I cried when I saw how many people were there at your funeral? Were you proud of me for remembering all of your stories, so I could remember every single person who came to talk to me? Did you see the long line that formed, all people who wanted to tell me about how you touched their lives? Have you seen what I am doing to the backyard? To the mancave? Were you excited when I got my new car? 

Did you watch me when I do things that break my own heart? Are you there, asking me why I question things that I know? Scolding me, as you did in life, for not being kinder to myself? 

Do you hear me when I tell you about my day, every night before I go to sleep? That I love you and that I miss you?  Do you see the tears I cry for you....everyday? 

Do you know how very hard this is? My husband...the love of my life...is not here anymore. I have asked myself why this is so hard. Why? I lived 36 years without you. I was independent and brave. And yet...in 3 years...3 years of being loved by you, and knowing this new level of happiness...and I crumble to pieces when it's gone. I can't even make myself dinner. I used to cook for 1 all the time...and now even the thought of it hurts. I went out to dinner alone, to the movies, even traveled alone. But now...now it all feels like I'm missing something. I didn't realize just how much you changed my life. Just how much being married to you made me a happier person. But it did. You did. And I just struggle to understand why it feels like I was teased...

Have you heard me tell people about you? How you made me feel like the most beautiful person in a room? How you made me care more about things I never did before? How I tell everyone who will listen about what a wonderful husband you were? How lucky I am that I get you for eternity? 

Eternity...gosh I struggle with that. To remember that I get you forever. I know that. I know that I will see you again. That you will be there to greet me. And I try to maintain that perspective...but when I hurt so much...it's hard. 

My memories of you are fading...like they do. No one would know that though. I can tell Alden stories all day...but what fades is your face. Actually seeing you in my mind. The little details that I long to see again. How your ears folded a bit...your beautiful eyelashes...how you had different smiles...what the scars on your ankle looked like...the sound of you breathing...

I don't want a single thing to fade...I don't want to think about the fact that people who meet me now didn't ever know me as married...that they meet me and think I'm single or know that I'm a widow. I don't want the neighborhood to talk about how proud they are of being there for each other...even through the loss of loved ones...and know that they are talking about how wonderfully supportive they were to me. 

I don't want this life. 

I was remembering the little things you would say that made me smile...the things that you said that I thought were just so endearing. 

Your names for the smartcar- meep meep, smartyparty...

Saying that things that weren't a big deal were a "nothing burger." 

When characters in a show were bad guys you would say they were a "bad mamma jamma"

How you would sing "wifles" to me and call me all sorts of nicknames. 

How you respected that I didn't like to be called "babe"...and so you came up with so many other loving things to call me...

I love you Alden. All of you. Every part of your existence. And I'm glad you and I get each other in eternity.