Love and Loss

 My dearest Alden,  So much time has slipped through my fingers since you've been gone. So many things I wish I didn't understand but now do. So many thoughts I had never experienced before now. So many regrets and so much heartache.  They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's supposed to just mean that being apart makes you miss something so that when you get it or them again you have painted this perfect picture in your mind and it's hard to shake that. Well, in my case, I can't say I've grown fonder of you. But I can say that I look back with so much regret...so many things that I could have done better. I used to tell you what a good husband you were. How much I appreciated you and how you were good for me. I would get frustrated with you every time I told you that, though. Only because you could never take the compliment. You'd tell me to remember the words I was saying the next time I was frustrated with you. I told you that I wished you c...

 A widows Playlist-  Wrecked - Imagine Dragons - for those times when you need to remember you'll see them again, while knowing how hard it is to be left behind  No air- Jordin Sparks - when you want to scream about how unfair it is  Someone you loved - Lewis Capaldi - when you are looking for words to explain your loss  Hold on- Phillip Phillips and Wilson Phillips - for when you just want to give up  You are not Alone - Michael Jackson - to remember that although they aren't seen they still are with you  Last kiss - I prefer Pearl Jams version - to help remember how fast life can change and how you need to life the rest of your life  Wake me up when September ends - Green day - just a sad song about loss that fits a sad mood  My immortal - Evenescence - again, a good sad song about loss  Everybody hurts - R.E.M. - to remind yourself you aren't the first to feel this way  Memories - Maroon 5 - drinking song, even if you don't drink...

Most of the time, now, I can go about my day and not think about how you're not here. About how you're not in the office next to mine and I can't hear your voice. I can work, walk around the house, have workers come and go...sometimes even laugh...but I cannot let my mind slip into the past at all.  When I lay down in our bed to sleep, I'm ok. I have done that without you before. But when I lay down to play a game...my heart drops. My player 2 isn't here to join me. He isn't here to simply lay next to me and game. And then when Nintendo updates that game...the one you played mear hours before you left this world...when that game pops up I always tear up. I should have played with you that night. I didn't know it was my last chance. You were so happy you did so well at it that night, remember? I told everyone that morning about your high score.  And then when I think about you...about our life together...it also hurts. To talk about my husband and know it sho...

  Dear Mother Earth and Father Time,  Hi. It's me again. I know. I feel like you have been hearing from me a lot too. Sorry about that. I'm just trying to figure this out, and I just am having some struggles that I'm looking for some help with.  I keep getting these headaches. Horrible headaches that just are incessant and never go away. Pain killers help, but nothing is making them go away. I talk to my doctor about them. He's convinced they are tension, and thus brought on by stress. He wants me to lower my stress level. I actually get that from so many people. My counselor, my doctor, my family...everyone says I need to lower my stress levels. But what no one seems to understand is that I lost my person. The one human who helped me sort through any of the crap I have to accomplish and helped make sure things got done. But I lost him....and now I will put down my phone and walk 5 feet away and cannot remember what I did with my phone. I am told 1 thing to do and I wri...

 I am often asked how I'm doing. I try to not be too honest in my answer, which is progress. I keep it to things like - "not bad" or "good for now" or even "I'm ok".  When I feel like being more honest I'll say "I'm taking things one day at a time." I've reached the point where people are ok that I am still grieving. You can tell, in reactions and questions, that they want to hear that I'm doing better, and they want me to be happy again. It comes from a place of caring, I know that. And I am better than that first day...that first week or even that first month. I can look at things a week or 2 out and not be overwhelmed. I'm healing...but I am also really good at not letting people know how hard it still is. Just don't give me too long of a hug. Don't linger too long and put too much sincerity in your questions. Youll see me crack then. My facade breaks and the tears will flow.... I guess losing a spouse is ha...