Love and Loss

 Dear Alden,  I chatted with my counselor the other day. She told me that I am making good progress. She helped me see how my grief is progressing, how I'm progressing. She said she can tell how hard I am trying. How much work I've put in so I can heal. I'm grateful for the progress. For the EMDR that is helping with the trauma part. Some parts of healing are a relief.  But, as I told her, my inner 5 year old doesn't want to hear that I am healing.  That's hard to explain. But it's the best way I can describe this little rebellious part of me. This part that doesn't want to heal. That honestly just wants to cry and lay on the floor throwing a fit. The adult part of me knows that it does not good to do that. That suppressing those urges is what's best.  But it's what I give into every so often.  When I just want to give up. When I'm just done trying and want to scream at the injustice of it all.  That's my inner 5 year old.  My counselor asked...

 Dear Alden,  A friend of ours has been texting me on and off, just checking on me and seeing how my life is going. She's been away, helping her mom several states away. She's been away from her home and her husband for several months. No visits. We were saying that she sort of knows what I'm going through, as she really misses her husband. But at least they can talk.  As She's telling me this she says he was going to send her a care package and she just opened the door and he was standing there. She was understandably overjoyed.  I felt a small pang of jealousy.  Gosh what I'd give for a suprise weekend with you.  But that got me thinking...what would that be like? If you showed up at our door, as a surprise.  Well, I know for one I'd be a mess of tears. But after you picked me up, comforted me as you always did, and helped me know that we got a weekend together...I know how I'd want to spend it.  I'd want to show you everything I've done. All th...

 Dear Alden, I was in my office today, cursing you for all the security measures you put on my various accounts...and how that causes me to find extras to sign in to things...and how that just adds to my stresses...and I realized something - Part of me is mad at you.  I know a lot of people blame God when a loved one passes. Why would God do this to me? What kind of merciful God would let his children feel the anguish that grief brings? But I haven't really felt mad at God. I hate grief, and how this whole thing feels...but I understand that my pain can help me be a better support to the next widow. We all live to die. I accept that.  So it's really you that I am mad at.  You left me.  Did you look back at me, before you left? Did you see me trying my hardest to save your life? If you did look back, did you just think "She'll be ok"? I'm not, by the way. I'm surviving. Someday I hope to get to "Ok"... Did you simply step from this life into the n...

 Dear Alden,  The other day I had the chance to talk about you...about us..to someone you never got to meet. We talked for hours. I laughed. I cried. It was nice. When they left I realized that I loved being able to share you like that.  But at the same time I was wishing you were there. Having you come downstairs to say hi as you quietly grabbed something to eat before returning to work.  Is it funny that that is something I miss? The meaningful side glances and the silent looks?  Remember how you would always beam when someone mentioned something that you thought would interest me? How you'd shoot me a side glance and nudge me under the table, to encourage me to not be shy and to participate in a conversation. Remember how you'd give me a look if someone was doing something that made you uncomfortable? How you'd want me to solve it for you, because I was the social graces part of our relationship.  That's another thing I miss. Your dinners that you'd host...

 I thought I'd share a bit more about Alden. He was so much more than most people knew.  Alden loved Dole whip. When I took him to Hawaii he fell in love with 2 food items - the tacos at Surfin Tacos and Dole whip.  When we came back he made it his mission to make his own. He found out that trusty amazon sold a mix to home make it. So one day he texts me to say he bought an icecream machine and the Dole whip mix. He was so excited. Because it was amazon and he lived in Seattle, he got it the next day. When it arrived he texted me to tell me the good news and to inform me what we were having for dessert that night.  What he didn't tell me was that he also invited one of the people that worked for him over for dessert as well.  He knew she loved icecream. And so he invited her over so he could share this treat that he loved so much. It was so funny. The first time I met her was when she came over that night just to have Dole whip with us. Random, but that was the ...

 I love that when I share stories about Alden, that people can get to know him in a sense.  I want to always show him off. As much as he was my biggest fan, I am always going to be his.  Alden had a history of impressing me. I had a history of underestimating him.  On our very first date, at age 18, he impressed me with how much of a gentleman he was. He insisted on getting every door for me and when he took me bowling with people I didn't know, he made sure I wasn't uncomfortable and was very attentive to me- making sure I was having fun.  Once we were adults, and officially trying out dating...he impressed me one night as he made his way to get us something to drink. "I remember you like sprite." He said. Seriously, we hadn't had much to do with eachother...like ever...but he knew my drink preference? Yep.  He impressed me a few days later when he told me he had spent the night reading about my religion and what my standards were. I remember my jaw droppe...

Dear Alden,  I keep a photo, on the wall just to the right of my monitor. It's not readily visible when you enter my office. It's sort of tucked behind in a way as to not attract attention. The photo is one I took during our first year of marriage. We had spent the night in Morton. It was early one morning, and I had slipped out of bed to grab my phone off the charger in the kitchen. As I inched myself back into bed you moved a little. You were still asleep. But you had felt me leave and return. You shifted and pulled me close to you. The way a child would clutch their favorite stuffed animal. I loved being snuggled like that. It both made me feel small and so very loved. In the moment you grabbed me to pull me close my phone was forgotten. But for some reason I thought of taking a photo. A quick snapshot of you and how you held me so close. It's a terrible photo of me. I'm squished into you and the angle is horrible...but my gosh I'm glad I have that photo. I had n...