Love and Loss

 Dear Alden-  I'm writing this from our house. I'm staying here alone, for the first time since you left me. The cat gives me some peace of mind, as I'm not completely alone. Although I wish you were here to help with her crying. She does that a lot...and I'm annoyed by it so easily now.  I wonder around our house and just think of you. So many things trigger memories of you. I'm glad of that, really. But sometimes it's hard. I'm glad I have you around me so much...but right now it still makes me miss you.  For example - when I go to check my face and completion I am flooded with memories of you. You and Your Hitler stash and your black face. You thinking you're so funny. You encouraging me to be more proactive about my completion. Us doing facemasks before the wedding together. You helping to pop a troublesome zit. You feeling new ones on my face and saying "oh wifey" with honest concern. You using the tools on me to help get them. You pluckin...

 You wanna know what sucks...besides everything about this? It sucks that you are a memory. That me being married is a memory. That the 3 years we had together are just a memory. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful we had lots of memories. We did so much together in those 3 years. We lived! And I'm so grateful for that. It just sucks that now it's all just a bunch of memories. I hate we aren't still making more. We didn't plan for this...at all. We didn't discuss what life would be like. We planned for the opposite, in fact. We talked about what our 10 year plan was. We dreamed about you retiring. We had so many plans, so many trips, so many everything's. And now those talks are just a memory. And that sucks.  I freaking want my life back. I want to go back to March and do it again. I want to engrave in my mind every last detail of you...I don't want to ever forget any part of you. I don't want the memory of our love...our life together...to fa...

 It's hard doing this every day. It's hard looking at his side of the bed and remembering he won't be occupying it again. It's hard to try and go about my life, to keep myself busy...and have things stare me in the face that remind me of my loss. What I'm missing. It's an ache that is hard to describe. I could easily loose myself in my tears. Spend my whole day crying and still not feel like I'm done. This new life is hard.  At church, someone gave a talk. This person had also lost her husband. She spoke of the abyss I have felt. The one that I feel trying to pull me in. She talked about how she felt like she did fall in. That she gave up on this life. She said what no one likes to hear a greaving person say- that the prospect of living a long life without your spouse is depressing. As I listened to her I realized that before my own experience, I wouldn't have understood what she was talking about. I was lucky. I had known loss, and sadness, but nothing ...

 Gosh darn it Alden...how am I ever supposed to be ok with having lost you? How am I ever supposed to not lament the future we were supposed to have together? How am I not supposed to want to just scream at the injustice of it all? This sucks!  I miss you...I miss us. I miss our everyday. I miss so many things. I have lost so much in losing you.  I made a list before, and I think I'll make another of what I miss about not having you here.  I miss hearing you chat with your coworkers and sharing a part of your life with them. Hearing you laugh or show off something you did...or share something I said. Listening to you encourage your people, chat with others and reward hard work. Hearing you just being the man everyone loved to work with...I heard it everyday, and I miss that.  I miss having my person I could turn to about work drama. You were always...always there for me when I had a tricky situation. You helped me know what I should do or how to word something. ...

 Dear Alden,  I do not even know how to begin this letter. How do you write and say the impossible? How do you acknowledge something to someone when you can't even understand or accept it? How do you even start?  The easy answer is that you don't. I mean, for me it still doesn't seem real anyway.  3 months. You have been gone for 3 months. How is that possible? It feels like it has been both 3 years and 3 seconds. You and I had only ever spent a week apart our whole relationship. We saw eachother every single day otherwise. And yet...now it's been 3 months... 3 months since I last saw your smile. 3 months since we snuggled and laughed together. 3 months since our biggest concern was our dinner plans that weekend. 3 months since I last kissed you and heard you tell me that you loved me. 3 months since you and I occupied the same space.  3 months ago I had no idea that I'd be walking into a funeral home by the end of the week to discuss next step plans. I had no i...

 Alden was a car guy. He knew how big of an engine most cars had, mostly because he was always wondering how fast it could go. He liked cars for their speed...but he also just plain liked cars.  His first car, I believe, was a stationwagon. I don't know much about it, except that I know he took it when he would go camping with friends. The first car I remember him with was his Del Sol.  He got the Del Sol from someone he did computer work for. A lady he grew to be good friends with. The Del Sol was a convertible- black. He loved that car. The reason I remember him with it is because it is why I gave in and went on a date with him. This was right after we finished high school. He called me a few times, wanting to take me out to do something. I wasn't a fan of Alden at the time, and didn't know why he kept wanting to take me out. Finally I gave in when he offered to just take me on a drive in his car. He said I could bring any CD I wanted and we'd listen to it. I like car...

 Dear Alden,  I hate this. I hate everything about this. I've said that before. I'm sure I'll say it again.  I hate the person that you have made me into, Alden. Please don't take that wrong. But I hate this new me. I hate that people look at me with pity now. That poor girl who's husband passed away. I hate their pity, and yet I understand it. I hate how everyone wants to ask me how I'm doing but they don't want the truth. They don't want to hear that I am simply existing. That this whole thing has awoken my inner 3 year old who simply wants to lay on the floor and kick and scream until they get their way. I hate that I didn't go with you...now there's something no one else wants to hear me say. Literally no one gets that one. Never in my whole life have I ever pleaded with God to just take my life...I can not say that anymore. I have honestly asked him to just take me home. To let me be done with this life. It's a horrible prayer to utter -...

 Dear Alden,  I spent today in Morton. I've been able to go every weekend for a while now. Today I was meeting with some workers who are going to clean things up for me. Get things to a place where I can more easily maintain them. They actually will start work on Monday. I'm excited to have the place back to the blank slate it once was, at least partially.  Remember bring here on our honeymoon? How we watched all that bulldozing work being done? I took videos for our niece of the trees being moved around. It was all a big blank slate then. Everything is so over grown now. You'd be eager to bust out your big mower and get some mowing done. You always enjoyed that. You said it was hard work but you didn't mind it. You loved seeing how you could make progress. You would have had plenty to keep yourself busy now. However, I don't think you'd have let it get so bad. I'm sorry for that. I don't want to let it get so bad again though.  I got a few things done a...

 Dear Alden,  Hi. I'm really having a hard week without you this week. Lots of reasons why, really. Seeing a part of you leave when someone takes something of yours because they want to give it to someone else now, doing things you would have enjoyed without you, fighting to get your estate settled, getting my hair done and you not texting me to wonder if I'm ever coming home...all of it culminates into a rough week. I had no idea that little things like that, things that really shouldn't be a big deal, would add up and make it a hard week.  I struggle, every day, with how hard it is. I hate this person that I have become. I'm quick to anger. I get emotional at EVERYTHING. I get so easily overwhelmed. I'm sad, all the time. I have to try and be in a moment and not just enjoy things without any effort. This isn't me. You'd be asking me where your happy wifey is. You'd remind me that I'm loved and supported. You'd listen to me complain about things...

 Dear Alden,  What has become of my life? It has become mush of time. I used to have things I looked forward to. We made plans, often. We did things. I had a full life. I was happy. I had my go to person whith whom I could go anywhere and do anything. Even if it wasn't your thing you'd support me. We had so many plans.  Now? Now I can't even bring myself to enjoy eating. I look at food and would rather just not. I went through a phase of only wanting sweets. It was a long phase. Anything sweet was all that even remotely sounded good. Now...nothing. Thinking about food is not even a thing. I even bought myself some treats. Things I never eat...and still they don't make me want to eat. I eat a bite or 2 and I'm over it. I was invited to go to skippers for dinner tonight. You know how I love skippers...but the idea of food just doesn't even appeal to me.  I am so broken. I have a weird pimple like bump on my nipple. It's been there for quote some time, before y...

 Dear Mother Earth/Father Time,  Hi. I'm sure you know me. I'm Alicia. You know, the one who has freckles from our friend the sun all over her and some red hair from him as well. You remember me, I'm sure.  Anyway, I'm writing to plead my case. You see, I am going to ask you to do something that you don't normally do. Something I'm sure you've heard from countless others in a similar situation as myself. However, I'd still like to give this a try. My grandad always said you never win any of the contests you don't enter. I'd like to think that the same principal applies here.  What am I asking? I'll tell you, but before you answer please hear me out. I'm asking for time back. For me to step back in time and relive it again.  Now wait, before you start with "you can't save him" or "it will still hurt just as much to loose him again", let me explain.  I have a few options I'd like to offer. One is for me to go bac...

 Dear Alden,  Yesterday was all about you. I invited James, your dad and my brother all down to Morton to shoot and tell stories. I had been a little worried about how it would go, as I had invited Matt and Wayne down last week and everything was so overgrown. You would have been sad to see it like it was. You couldn't see any sort of path or the range. But, as you often said, we have wonderful neighbors there. Earlier this week I saw Toni on a riding lawn mower, mowing our property and the path down to the range. John had mowed the range for me as well. They truly are so very kind.  The day started early- we planned to meet up at 10am, so that meant leaving by 8:30. I picked Jon up in my new truck - you'd like it I think- and we headed down. We got to the house right on time. I opened up the safe and Jon helped me find my gun. While he was going through your guns James pulled up. Alden, he had stories for almost every gun. He could tell us about shooting or how you got t...