Memories pt 1

Dear Alden- 

I joined a couple of widow and widower groups on Facebook. They actually help me feel more "normal." reading what everyone says and even validated sometimes when I post. I know you know how I like to define what it is normal. You'd tease me about that and say there is no normal. But I still always wanted to know. And it helps. 

Anyway, so one of the members suggested writing down memories of you. She said that I would appreciate it if I did that down the road. So I'm going to start that now. I'm sure I'll be adding to it as I go. 

-I remember the time you stopped by my dad's shop to buy something. I was gaming with my aunt and uncle and mom in the gamering room. You just popped your head in and said "hi". I remember stopping and looking at you to say "hi" back. I didn't really think much about it. You said I looked at you and smiled. You told me much later that my smile that day was why you wanted to start seeing more of me. That you thought of what you wanted in your life and it seemed like I was genuinely happy to see you that day...and you said you needed that. Someone who was happy to see you. That's why a few months later you called. 

- I remember when you called that first time. You called my dad's line- and when he answered you asked if I was there. I took the phone and you asked if we were going to be gaming that next weekend. I said yes. You asked if you could get my phone number so you could check in with me as you'd like to join us. I gave you my number - and I remember thinking it was quite the way to get my number. I remember asking my parents if it was ok for you to join (it was their room after all). They were happy and said the more the merrier. So you were set to come game. 

- I remember you called later that week, on the house line this time (not my phone yet). We chatted about movies and games. You were going to be in Morton and you said you didn't have internet there yet. You wondered if I could recommend any good offline games. I suggested a few that you could easily download and play- like Portal. (Later I learned you never did download any of these- I think you just wanted to call me to chat) When I hung up with you that day I remember saying to my mom that I wish you lived closer. I could see us being friends and just hanging out. Conversation was easy with you and you made me laugh. 

- I remember you coming to play the first time. I believe it was in April...You came over and I had book club that night, so I wouldn't be gaming. You came to the front door and I let you into the entry. We stood in the entry and chatted about Star Trek. We talked about the different ones. My mom and I had just finished Deep Space 9 and Next Gen. So everything was very fresh in my mind. We laughed and chatted about several things about Star Trek. My mom joined us for some of the conversation, but she says she remembers feeling like we kind of had a connection so she backed out so we could just chat. When it was time to go out to play I said I wouldn't be joining, as I was going to go to book club. You wanted to back out then. You said you didn't have to game that night. I encouraged you to stay. My mom heard and also extended the invite. You walked with me out to my car and decided you would stay for a little bit. I left, thinking that perhaps I was your comfort zone for gaming. That you were a little unsure of just playing with the adults. 

You came every so often from that point. Sometimes you'd say you couldn't come because you had "prior commitments you couldn't get out of" - thinking that was your ex...she could never let you go and you did still want to be friends. Once you told me you couldn't game because you were going to Ireland. I remember telling you that Mary and I had gone. That I was jealous you got to go. It was your first time. You weren't super excited. I gave you some tips for things to know anyway. One weekend you couldn't game because you were going with a friend to fish on the Columbia River. You told me that you'd be going to stay in the Dalles. I told you about my connection to that area. You thought that was fun. You texted me the whole time you were on the trip. You send me photos and told me all about the places you ate and what you caught. 

When you came to game you'd joke with me quite a bit. We'd laugh and tease. You would show me photos of Morton and tell me that I should come down and see it. You were on vacation one week and when you came to play you really encouraged me to come. I never intended to go. I wasn't looking at you that way, and I just wasn't sure what we were doing. So I would look at your photos and just laugh it off. One night you texted me about wanting sheets for your bed. I told you where to go find them. The next day you said you went to the store and got exactly what I had suggested. Then you said you wanted a coffee table. You told me about your style and the look you wanted. My mom and I started looking for ideas. I found a unique one and sent it to you. You loved it and ordered it. You told me that you really liked how we had similar tastes in things. 

One day I was bored. School was out and I was on summer vacation. You had been texting me the night before, encouraging me to come down and see Morton again. Finally, I gave in and accepted. I got up and decided to go for a drive. What did I have to lose? It was a nice day and I was on break. I texted you that I was heading out. I had looked up the area and decided that if I didn't stay long with you (and I really hadn't intended to stay long at all) that I'd go see some of the area lakes. I texted you along the way and when I was getting close you were driving in the opposite direction and saw me. Turns out you hadn't gotten my texts because...no internet. You were going out to check your phone and you saw me. You waved and had me pull over to wait. I ended up following you back to the house. It was perfect timing. I wouldn't have found it without you. Google wasn't quite sure where you were. You showed me around the house. You were so proud of everything. You even let me keep my shoes on. We even went for a walk on the property. You showed me the sheets you had just bought and the gun range.  I just remember how happy you were that I had come to see you. You asked if we could go to get some food. I said yes, and we went into town together. We went to the local Mexican place. I wasn't super hungry, so I didn't want to buy anything. You laughed and said you'd buy. The waitress just laughed and encouraged me to get something. So I got a taco. We talked and talked. You mentioned that you wanted to maybe go to Hawaii on your vacation. I told you I went to school there. You immediately invited me to come. I laughed and didn't thank you meant it. But we talked about it anyway. When I left that day I was smiling. You were so nice to talk to and I had really enjoyed my time. We texted that night. You said you wanted me to come back because you wanted to show me a lake with a beautiful view of the mountain. And you wanted to talk to me more about going to Hawaii. We even started planning it a bit. I said it was too fast for me to join you, but you could just go. You said, "it would be more fun with you." I remember being very confused by that. Were you interested in me? Or was that just an "I don't like traveling alone" comment? I just passed it off. 

You came over the night before my birthday. We played games until after midnight and you stuck around and chatted with my brother and I quite late. You wished me a happy birthday even. 

We had made plans for me to come see you on the 3rd of July. You had texted me and said you weren't feeling great that day but wanted to reschedule for the next day if I was interested. I had to think about it. I did end up accepting the invite to come to spend the day with you. I remember being very confused about why I was so excited to spend time with you. My family went out to our traditional 4th of July breakfast that morning and then decided to go for a walk. I remember thinking I just wanted to get home so I could head down to see you. Once home I headed down there for the evening. I remember walking in the door that day. You were at the kitchen table, your back to me, on the laptop. (you had gotten internet at that point. I remember you telling me about digging the trench for the cables for it and how much work it was. You even sent me a photo of you relaxing once it was done) You were looking up local furniture stores. You let me come inside with my shoes on...and come to the table to chat with you. You asked if I was ok going with you to look at some furniture. I said "sure". So we went and looked at one store that was open. I remember following you around, very unsure of my place in your world. We looked at rugs, and I helped you pick 1 out. You were very impressed it fit in my car. We walked the large store together and took photos of things you thought you could build better. The only purchase that day was the rug. We brought it back to the house and you loved it. It was to go in the loft. We thought it looked like a solar system. You asked me if I was interested in going to dinner. I agreed, and we went to Chehalis- McMenamins.  I drove. We both got sandwiches. You got a beer. We sat so we could watch the parade. You said you hadn't been to a 4th of July parade before. We enjoyed eating, chatting, and watching the parade together. You made it a point to apologize to me for your youth. You specifically wanted to apologize for how you treated me in high school. I honestly didn't remember you being particularly mean to me in high school. So I just laughed. We continued to chat and you mentioned how much you liked movies. I told you that you needed to get used to going alone if you were so committed to the single life. At that point, you leaned over to me and said "Alicia, I'm really enjoying our time together." I remember kind of freaking out. Oh my goodness. I think that means you really were interested in me. I remember mentally back peddling. What was I going to do? Did I like you that way? I wasn't sure. I remember looking you over. Was I attracted to you? I don't know. I hadn't thought about this possibility at all. Our next step was to go next door to a movie - Avengers (I can't remember which one). It was a unique theater, not normal seating. There were some loveseats and some just single chairs. I remember walking in and you pointing to a loveseat. Suggesting we sit there. My mind said "wait, no. I don't know if I like you like that. A loveseat is for romantic people." So I asked one of the workers there what was a good seat. He said that the single chairs were actually quite comfy. I quickly nodded and we found our seats in the single chairs. You got us some hot cocoa to enjoy while we watched the movie. I was mentally relieved that I didn't have to make up my mind yet. You and I watched the movie together. The whole time I remember wondering if you would try and take my hand, If you were interested you'd take my hand - I kept thinking. Part of me wanted you to. Part of me didn't. I kept trying to make it easy for you to do it though. You never did. I always teased you about this once we were married. Not that I blamed you. I'm sure I was sending off some super crazy mixed signals. The night ended and we planned to get together again for gaming. I left very confused. What on Earth did I want. When I drove you back home we almost died together. I ran a stop sign that I hadn't seen. It freaked us both out. But we laughed. We talked the whole way back to your home in Morton. You were just so very easy to talk to. 

The next day we went to visit my aunt and uncle. I was telling them about my day with you. I still didn't know what I was feeling about you. I told my uncle Jim about how you and I had easy conversations. You asked me if he was just a friend. I said yes. He laughed and said, "Just a friend until he's more." And that's when it hit me. I wanted it to be more. I really did. That night I didn't sleep. I couldn't get you off of my mind. Did I know for sure you were interested? You sure flirted with me. I knew that. I looked back over our text messages from the past few weeks. I could see how you made an effort to chat with me quite often. Then my other self told me I was reading too much into it. That I had misread the whole thing. I was going crazy with myself. So at 6am I texted a friend from work. Someone who overanalyzes things like I do. I asked her to meet me for coffee (I didn't have anything, I was too worked up to drink anything at all, haha) as soon as she was able. She was able to meet up at 8am. So I got up and got ready. We met up and I told her the whole story. I showed her all of our text messages. All of the smiles you'd send me. All of the back and forth. I told her how you made me feel and how I wasn't sure what was going on in your mind. She listened. She listened to and read it all. At the end, she told me to just ask you. "Text him- ask where you two stand." She said. What? You can't just do that. "You're too old to just play games." She said. "What 36-year-old man only wants a woman as a friend?" she added. So I texted you - "random question - where do we stand?" We had the whole conversation planned out. What you'd probably say - "what do you mean?" and what I'd say in response. I waited while I wondered if you were even up yet. We talked more. Then I got a notification on my phone that you had responded. "Getting to know each other? I'm really enjoying our time together and I could see us dating if you're interested. But it's a bit early to put labels on things without talking to you." Oh my goodness! You were interested too! You didn't pretend to not know what I was talking about. My friend wanted to send back a text page of happy faces. I was so happy! I sent just a couple and said I was happy and interested in seeing where it goes too. You said you were glad I asked. I was too. I left my friend on cloud 9. I was dating Alden Lavin. Haha, never thought that would happen. We spent that whole day texting. We texted about everything - food, music, hobbies. We just were so surprised we had so much in common. I went with my dad to go buy a car. I spent the whole time texting you. Once we were done there we went home and had dinner. I remember that after dinner we were still texting. You asked if I had eaten...I lied. The only lie I ever told you. "Nope." I just wanted to see you. You asked if we could meet in the middle between us - Eatonville. I agreed. I left and flew down to Brunos. You were not far behind me getting there. We went in and had dinner. I had just something light, as I had really already eaten. I told you that my hands were cold, and got you to take my hand across the table. I liked that. After dinner we didn't want our time together to end, so you and I found a bench and sat to talk some more. It was dark by now, and the stars were out. We were looking at the stars and just chatting. You commented how much you liked my freckles. I laughed and said that if they all blended together I'd have a nice tan. You said, "It's already an 8-bit tan!" Wow. That made me laugh. I had never heard that before. No one had really complimented me on my freckles before either. No one that had been my age anyway. They were something I tried to hide. You loved them. We didn't stay on the bench for long, you said the bugs were starting to eat you. So we got up and moved over to the cars. We started talking about cars and taking care of them. You really liked my Subaru. You thought it was a pretty nice car. I told you that I needed to fix the leather. You said I could replace the whole door. We chatted for a bit more before deciding to head back home. I kept getting the vibe from you that you wanted to kiss me. I wasn't sure about that. I had only kissed 1 other person before, and I didn't really like it. But I did want to kiss you. Just super nervous about it. You came in for the kiss, and I opened my arms. "Oh, you want a hug?" you asked. Gosh, I was glad you weren't used to dating LDS girls. That's a basic sign for "this was nice but I'm glad it's done." Not at all what I meant, I was just nervous. So you gave me a big hug. Without letting me go I looked up at you and you kissed me. It was a very awkward kiss. A kiss by someone who was super super nervous and hadn't been kissed in a few years, let alone by someone who she wanted to kiss and felt real feelings for. I remember getting into my car after that and driving home, beating myself up for being the queen of mixed signals. How would you ever know I was interested if I kissed you like that. You later told me it was a pretty bad kiss. But you never thought of the relationship as being over because of it. We texted more once I got home. You invited me over the next day. I was relieved and agreed to go. 

The next day I went to see you in Morton. You greeted me at the door with a kiss. You hadn't given up on me. That kiss was so much better. I don't remember much from that date, except that my worries about kissing you were gone. I learned that kissing can be enjoyable if there are sparks. I learned that I really loved kissing you.