Today

Dear Alden,

 Today was hard. For so many reasons today was hard. 

I start my day by going over to the house. I haven't been able to spend the night there yet. I finally was able to sleep in my own room last night, though, So that was progress. When I got to the house I decided to look at some of your photos so I could have more ideas for your instagram. (BTW, did you know I started an instagram for you? You never would have done that, but I told you that you'd need one if you wanted to be a legit photographer.) and I found some photos and videos of you. The you that I fell in love with. I was enjoying going through the photos. It felt like I was seeing the world through your eyes. Wondering why you took photos of a particular thing or enjoying how you framed certain shots. I was wishing you were there with me though, to tell me all of the stories for each photo. You were always great at explaining things to me. Then I found the videos. I was excited, to be honest. I have been desperate to find videos where you are talking. I miss your voice, so very much. That's when I found one...I think you were in the car with your mentor Robert. There was a car accident and you and he were chatting about how people stare and cause traffic delays. I never saw you in the video, only the driver of the car. However, what you said was just so...you. It hit me like a punch to the gut. I've heard you say the same phrases a million times. Things like "yeah, that's real bad" and "That's pretty F***ed up". The tone of your voice was like I was sitting next to you seeing this accident. You would have said the same things to me. And it just felt so....real. And I started to cry. What I miss is our normal. Our everyday conversations. Your way of putting things....then I started talking to you. Asking you why you left me. Telling you I don't want to do this alone and without you. I decided I needed to save said video and move it to the "Alden" drive. Once I got to my own computer I started looking at photos I took of you...and I was hit again. I saw the photo I took from when we went to Crescent Lake. You were sitting on a couch with a beer. You have this rotten grin on your face. If you look at your hands in photo you can see you are flipping me off. But I wasn't really looking at that. I was looking at you just sitting on the couch. It made me think of all the times you would sit on our couch and I would snuggle in your lap. And suddenly I very much missed your lap. The way you wear your jeans and your comfy lap. How I'd snuggle into it and you'd make sure I didn't spill whatever you had in your hand. You usually laid down for snuggs, unless you were holding something. Gosh, I miss just spending time with you. 

I HATE THIS! I hate that I have to go through this life without you. I hate that you didn't outlive me, as I requested. I hate that I'm the one who has to have the patience to get back to you. I hate that your mom is only now saying she was glad I was in your life. I HATE this whole freaking thing! I hate that I don't have you as my sounding board anymore! That I don't have things to stress about like "is it really safe for Alden to be driving that smart car on long drives..." or "Is Alden going to remember to bring in the trash this week?" Those things were our everyday. Our silly things to bring up. Our random conversations. I WANT THOSE BACK! I want to complain to you about a customer I'm dealing with...I want to have you tell me that it is time for our consult couch and pull me into your arms to chat about what was going on. I want you to tell me I'm stubborn for not apologizing to you for something I did even though you and I both knew I would eventually. I want you to remind me that I am loved...and that you love me. I miss hearing you say that. "Alicia, you are loved." But it was always more than just your words...

Anyway, back to today. I met with a lawyer today. I have so much I have to pay a lawyer to do now that you're gone. So many things that have to be moved into my name. Did you know that your parents have more of a claim to your stuff than I do? Thankfully that's not any sort of problem, but I bet you didn't know that. I sure didn't. Your mom met me at the lawyer's today. It as a kind offer on her part. She was helpful...but I did want to take up an offer a friend made at a couple points today. I paid him for helping and starting the process...the long process of transferring ownership. Remember how I told you that you needed to put me as POD on all of your accounts? Yeah, this is why. 

After we talked about your affairs, we talked about mine. I set up my own will today as well. I did what I told you I wanted to do- leave everything in a trust for Nick and Leia. They won't have access until they are 25. We had talked about that, remember? You were ok with that arrangement. So now it's done. They won't have to do any sort of thing like I'm having to do. So that's good. 

After coming back to the house I went to check on the bathroom progress. Things are moving along nicely. The tile is a bit darker than I had imagined. But I like the look. I'm glad you decided we should do the whole wall behind the vanities. It would be my turn to tell you that you made the right call on something. And you did. 

I miss you so much. I miss how you would worry about your complexion...and use that black face mask. How you'd randomly put some on and go about life waiting to see when I'd notice and laugh at you. I miss how you found a way to clean the tile using a toilet scrubber and a drill. Miss how you insisted I not get a maid but that you were happy to do the cleaning. I miss how annoyed I got because you always wanted to take hug breaks at the worst times for me. I miss all of our little side glances and half smiles we'd make at each other when something was said that we could relate to. I miss how you loved to brag about me to everyone. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE A WIDOW! I want to go back to that very early morning 2 weeks and a day ago and have it end differently. I want it to have been a scare, that you'd need to make some drastic changes to your lifestyle but you'd be ok. I'd be there to support you through all of it. I'd make sure you didn't give up, just like you did for me. That March 22nd was the day you NEARLY died but didn't. Not the day I cannot face or look at. The day that I've had to write on too many documents. The day I perfected my fake laugh...

I have a confession for you, Alden. I sit and think about how I'm only 39. How I still probably have half of my life to live...and I think that it seems like an abyss. An abyss of time that I have to endure before I can be with you again. I watch TV and see characters die or get a terminal illness, and I envy them. I'd trade with those who are not long for this world. Anyone want my youth? The life I have left to live? Take it...I just want to be with the man who could make me smile on my worst day. The man who made me feel so very loved and would wrap his arms around me and remind me that it was my happy place. It's not fair that I have tasted what it's like to be so very loved, and had it ripped away from me. 

I wrote all of this to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I snapped at you in bed that night about my medical issue. You were nothing but kind in your response about caring about me. I'm sorry I didn't get up and check on you when I heard the shower. I'm sorry I slipped off to sleep so quickly that night and didn't stay awake to chat with you. You were restless and I was tired. Had I known I would have stayed up all night talking to you. But now all I have are apologies. 

I love you Alden Lavin. I love you with my whole heart and soul. I always will. You always knew you had my whole heart. I told you that when we were dating. Just know...I don't want to do this life without you. And I'm struggling to find the will to care.