What happened

 March 22, 2022. Man, I wish I had known that date many years ago. Seems like a normal date. Middle of the week (a Tuesday), we had dinner plans for the next Saturday that we were looking forward to. Meetings, plans, nothing new. Just a normal day in a normal week. Until my whole life changed very early in the morning. 

March 19, 2022. Life was normal. Alden and I are remodeling our bathroom. A passion project for me. We had wanted to do a nice change for quite some time. We chatted about it last year and waited until this year before moving forward. Alden had added some things to the plan and made it that much better. We drew it out on paint. Planned everything. Played with photoshop, got lots of opinions, and even marked everything out on the floor of the bathroom. So on this day (Saturday) Alden and I went out tile shopping in his smart car. We slept in, he more than me (as is normal). I drug him out of bed and out tile shopping in Tacoma. He hated Tacoma, but I told him his opinion was important on the tile. So we went to 3 different shops to see different options and prices. We both fell in love with a beautiful blue glass tile that changed some of our plans. We picked out everything we wanted and even looked at future design ideas for when we would build our own home someday. By the time we were done, it was after 3pm. But Alden was hungry. He said the only good thing about tile shopping on a Saturday was that he saw a sign for Jimmy Johns. He said he hadn't had Jimmy Johns for a long time. So we found the location and went in for a sandwich. He was so excited to eat it that he wanted me to take a photo of his order. I included him in the photo, against protests. Then we ate and reminisced about our wedding reception and how we had served JJs and how everyone loved it. It was a good day. We were excited about moving forward with our remodel and enjoyed a relaxing night that night, together. We even watched some Star Trek Discovery.  

March 21, 2022. Another normal day. I had a dentist appointment that morning to get my teeth cleaned. I went in and decided that since I was out and about that I'd go order the tile Alden and I had picked out the previous day. I called my mom and asked if she wanted to join me. I swung by her house and picked her up to head out. I spent the afternoon ordering the tile that Alden and I had decided on. Laughing because Alden called to check on me to see that I wasn't wasting time because he missed me and wondered when I was going to be back. Jon called later to say he had tested positive for Covid. I told Alden, and he was less than thrilled. Mostly for Jon, as we had recovered from Covid in January and figured we would be immune for now. All the while Alden was working at home and sending me progress photos of the work Dusty was doing on the bathroom while I was out. When I got home I was feeling snacky so I made a bag of popcorn. Alden teased me about eating on the couch (it made him anxious that I'd get grease on it, and our couch wasn't cheap) and then said he was going to go upstairs and play tanks. I stayed downstairs and finished a series. Alden would pop down and check on me to make sure I was doing ok. He always did that. He never wanted me to feel like he was ignoring me or that my company wasn't welcome at any time. We decided to meet back up when my show was finished in an hour. He came downstairs at that point to ask about dinner. I decided to be lazy and order out. He grumbled a bit, only because delivery charges bug him, but then choose what he wanted as well. We layed on the couch together, snuggling, until it came. We watched Rookie (a series we both enjoyed) and then we got the notice the food was delivered. So before starting the new Star Trek Picard episodes we were behind on (we had 2 to watch), we ate dinner. We ate together at the table and chatted while the show was on pause. He mentioned that he thought he may have pinched a nerve on his arm while he was in Morton the previous Thursday. He said his arm had been bugging him all day. He had even googled what it was and said that his symptoms matched. I told him I wondered if I had done the same as my leg was sore. He asked if I had any trouble breathing at all. I took a deep breath (just to double-check) and said no..and asked why. He said he had read that limb pain can be a sign of a heart attack. I said I had never heard of leg pain and he said it was just something he read. We didn't think or say any more about it. We just finished our food and went back to the couch to snuggle. We watched our 2 Star Trek episodes and were sad we had nothing else on the docket. But decided to "reconvene" in our bed upstairs for some switch gaming. (a nightly ritual we do before falling asleep) So we both went upstairs. Up 3 flights of stairs to our bedroom. Nothing was said about any struggle making it up there. When he had COVID he had struggled, big time, to get up the stairs. He had made me aware of it the first time he had issues. This time, nothing was said. We just went upstairs and got ready for bed. He turned on his switch to play some Pokemon. He loved that game. He wanted me to join him, but I was too tired. So I just snuggled into him while he played. He was so proud that he got so many "kills" on it. Eventually, I teased him that he had an 8:30 meeting. He always had an 8:30 meeting. He sighed and said he knew he did, and asked Alexia to set an alarm (out of an abundance of laziness for not wanting to find his phone, lol). He played on his phone for a moment before turning it off and snuggling me to sleep. 

March 22, 2022 - Sometime in the early morning, I heard him get up and go take a shower. I was half asleep and just figured his arm must really be bugging him. We had taken regular showers to help with the muscle pains that COVID had brought. It was the only thing that really seemed to help. I heard him turn off the shower and felt him come back to bed. I went to snuggle him again and he asked me not to lay on his arm. I remember asking if I was hurting him and he just said "no". I drifted back to sleep for a bit more before waking to a moan. I turned to face Alden when I heard a moan and saw him sit up. His back was to me when I heard another moan. He went to stand up and crumpled to the floor. I sat up and moved closer to his side of the bed to ask him if he was ok. I got no response. That's when I heard the odd noise he was making. It sounded like snoring. Alden has sleep apnea and the thought that went to my mind was that he was in a funky deep sleepwalking state. So I rushed over to him and took him in my arms. His eyes were not closed but not open either. His mouth was open and he was breathing but also making that snoring noise. I said loudly to him "Alden, I need you to wake up or I'm calling 911". (He never wanted me to call 911, I often worried a lot about him when he had COVID and his pulse and oxygen levels got very low. At one point they were so low I thought he needed 911. He protested and drove himself to the Dr instead.) I didn't get a response, so I laid his head back on the bed and went to turn on the light. I remember that I tripped over his foot and apologized. I didn't want to hurt him. I rushed to my phone and called 911 while getting back to him. Putting his head back into my arms. I told them my husband wasn't responding. They immediately got me to someone to help. When I told her what I was hearing and seeing she told me that I needed to lay him down, that we were going to start CPR. I argued with her, while doing as I was told. He was breathing, I said. But he's breathing! She didn't explain, just said he needed to be flat and nothing behind his head. I complied and started doing CPR. I have had several CPR classes in the past, and at first, I didn't want to hurt him. But as I continued I remembered that breaking a rib is Ok, you can heal from that...so I put all of my energy into the act. Counting my rhythm out with the operator. At one point he needed his mouth swept out with my finger, so I did that. Never stopping CPR. I was getting so tired and kept asking where the EMTs were. When she said they were close I realized they wouldn't be able to get in the door. The 911 operator told me to run downstairs and unlock the door. I have never run so fast up and down our 3 flights of stairs. I knew I had to get back to Alden and the CPR. I knew I wanted to give him the best chance of not having any brain damage. He continued to make that snoring/breathing sound almost the entire time I was working on him. He only stopped once, and I yelled at him that he better not leave me. I remember my heart sinking. NO NO NO! He is not going to stop breathing on me! He started the noise again and still I continued, sweat dripping down both of our foreheads. By the time the EMTs came through the door, I was out of breath. I heard the door open and yelled "up here" so they'd know where to come. When they came they told me I could stop. They moved him so they could have more room. They made sure that their working on him was something he would want. "Yes" I told them as I sat on the bed and tried to catch my breath. They said they needed more room, which must have been code for getting me out of there. One of them came and moved me to the hall to answer a bunch of questions. Telling me I needed to get my breathing under control or I'd be a patient too. I couldn't answer the questions...Alden hated doctors. He never went to one. I tried to get him to. Everyone tried. He just hated it. So I had no medical history to give them. None at all. Finally, a man came who wasn't in a blue gown. He was in all black. He moved me to my office (across from our bedroom) and had me sit in my computer chair. The chair Alden had carefully cleaned and picked out for me. He loved taking care of me...I sat down as he tried to ask me more questions. Questions I didn't have answers to. I told them what happened, how we had recovered from COVID in January, and what he had mentioned the night before. I kept running my hands through my hair. "This isn't real, this can't be happening" was all I could keep saying. The man in all black told me that their chaplain would be coming. My eyes got wide. "It doesn't mean anything, just standard for any situation like this." I nodded. "Is there someone you can call to be here with you?" I nodded. I needed my parents. And his dad was only 10 min away as well. I looked at the clock - 4:30am. I heard them say "clear" and knew they were shocking my husband's heart. I called my dad. He answered and I told him that I needed him to come quickly. He said he would. I tried to call my father-in-law. No answer. I knew they hadn't saved my phone number from previous times Alden had used my cell to call them. I figured they didn't know the number and didn't answer. I tried Betsy, Alden's mom. Again, no answer. It's 4:30am. I tried Nelson, Alden's brother. Just when I thought I wouldn't get an answer he picked up. I sounded panicked, I'm sure. I told him what was going on and that I couldn't get a hold of his mom or dad. He thought I hadn't called 911 yet. I told him that they were there, working on Alden...then I heard them shock him again and told him as much. He said he'd get a hold of his parents. I hung up and waited for my dad to come. Everything was going at a snail's pace. When the chaplain came he was very kind. He was there before my dad. Then my dad got there, then Alden's dad. When Alden's dad got there I kept apologizing. "I'm so sorry." Was all that came out. But in my mind I was saying  "I'm so sorry. I should have done more. I should have taken better care of your son. I should have prevented this somehow. I was supposed to take care of him. I love him so much, I'm so sorry." He was so strong. He had tears in his eyes but said that what happens will happen. I fell to my knees and asked if we could say a prayer. I started it and couldn't finish. I knew what had to be said. I knew I needed to put it in the Lord's hands and I didn't want to. So my dad finished it for me. There were so many tears. So many times that the man in black came back and told us an update. So many times that the chaplain came to talk to us...and then it all stopped. I heard them call out a time. It got quiet. It took them a moment before coming in to tell us what happened. He was gone. There was nothing they could do. The man in black said that when you do his job for long enough you know that sometimes it is just someone's time. It was Alden's time....NO NO NO! This can't be happening! He was FINE! A little arm pain doesn't mean a heart attack! No NO NO! Someone wake me up! No NO NO! That man is my husband. The man I gave my whole heart to. The man who swore he'd never get married, but he fell in love with ME and married ME. He told me how beautiful and attractive I was all the time. NO, he can't be gone. NO NO NO! I remember staring at the chaplain. He had me stand up and walk into the hall. They asked if I wanted to see him. No, I couldn't look at him. No, that would make it real. This isn't real. I told them no. They told me to go back and sit down. That people would be coming. We called my Bishop. He was on the OK list to come. Somehow I got downstairs. I don't remember going down there. I sat on the couch. My mom was here now, as was my aunt. Everyone next to me. I kept saying this doesn't seem real. I told the chaplain that I am doing this wrong. That widows on TV scream and cry. I was just numb. Nothing seemed real. He said TV had it all wrong. That my reaction was something he saw often. I kept saying it doesn't feel real. They explained that they needed a medical examiner to come, as well as the police. All normal procedures, but could take a bit. I remember noticing that the sun came up... Then Betsy walked through the door. Again, apologies.  I knew Betsy had never been a fan of Alden marrying me. I had resolved long ago to show her how very happy we were. It was a many-year plan...and I failed. He was gone. I failed him. I should have seen this coming. I should have been more forceful about seeing a doctor. This still can't be real. Betsy assured me that she was grateful that I had been there. That he hadn't died alone. No, he didn't. I was there. I should have done more...How could this have happened? Alden's going to come through the door any moment and wonder what's going on. He'll have a big grin and wrap me in his arms and I'll be safe and happy again. I'll wake up from this terrible nightmare and tell him all about it while he holds me and tells me that he is fine and to not worry. "I'll always take care of you" he always said. Nelson and Alia came at some point as well. I remember sitting at the table, so I wouldn't see them take the body away, and noticing that everyone had their shoes on. That would have bothered Alden. He always asked people to take off their shoes when they came inside. I remember hugging Nelson and Alia. I remember saying that this was a terrible way for her to see our house for the first time. I remember Betsy wanting to do my dishes. No...no one wants their mother-in-law to do their dishes. But I didn't answer. I was just embarrassed that there were dishes to do at all. So much company at our home and I wasn't being a good hostess. Alia kept trying to get me to eat something, or to take my pills. No. Don't you understand? My husband is gone. No, I can't say that or it will be real. I can't think about food. I can't think about pills. I just think about waking up. This can't be real. Eventually, everyone left. I was left with my parents and my aunt. They were going to take me to my parent's home. My sister, Mary and her wife Katie came. They stayed at my home because I had someone stopping by to drop off a dress. Then they would drive my car to my parent's house. I stumbled out to my dad's truck for a ride. I called a Dr on the phone to get some medicine to help me sleep. I'd need it they said. When I got to my parent's house I felt like I was having a heart attack. My arm hurt and I had bad chest pains. They called 911. The EMTs came. They hooked me up to all sorts of things. Took all sorts of readings. Everything was normal. Then they heard about my loss just hours before. They suggested going with them to the hospital, just to check everything out and to be safe. So I did. I spent the rest of the day at the hospital. They ran all the tests, did all the blood work. Everything. While I sat there numb, crying off and on. This still can't be real....

It has been 10 days since that nightmare started. I still haven't woken up. His funeral was yesterday. His viewing the day before. The viewing was mostly for me. I hoped it would make it feel more real. It did...seeing the man you love laying in a coffin will make it feel real to anyone. I don't want this. I don't want to do this life without him. I was single for so very long. I had almost given up on ever finding love...then Alden was in my life. He was so easy to fall in love with. He walked into my life with a big grin on his face and told me that he thought my freckles were cute and that they were an 8-bit tan. He said he hoped to one day kiss every one of them. He saw the sun hit my hair and just looked at me in awe while telling me that he thought I was so beautiful. He saw me, with all my flaws and weaknesses, and still loved me. My happy place was wrapped in his arms. He would hold me tight and I would just feel such unconditional love and acceptance. I always thought that that must be what heaven was like, And yet, my big husband still loved it when I would be big spoon, holding him in my arms, and whisper in his ear "I love you little spoon" so he could respond "I love you too big spoon." How am I supposed to exist without that? I used to fear death. I would tell Alden that I wasn't ready to die. He would often tell me I wouldn't die until I was much older. That he'd protect me and keep me safe. Now I welcome death. I have no fear of it anymore. Death just means I get to see him again. To be with him forever, like we always talked about. That this pain in my heart would go away. 

I have since learned that Alden's heart attack was caused by both a build-up in the arteries as well as a blood clot. I guess the particular spot he got the clot is very rare. That the chance of survival of that particular kind is extremely low, and that's only if you have it in the hospital and they know it is going to happen. It isn't something we could have screened for. Nothing could have been done for him once it happened. It was very fast for him. I believe he sat up in bed and instead of stepping off the side of the bed and stepped into the next life. That doesn't make it easier. Or more real. I keep hoping I will somehow wake up. That Alden will walk into my office and want a hug break, as he often did. That I could go back in time and get him to a doctor and tell them what was going to happen so he could have that very small chance. But then I hear the EMT saying that for some people it is just their time. It was Alden's time. 

Which is crap. He was only 40. We had finally found happiness. We had plans on Saturday. He was my hero, my best friend, my lover, my chef, my everything...and he's gone. I'm alone. Alone and no one seems to understand what I'm going through. I miss him every moment of every single day. I still feel like this is all a horrible nightmare. I still hold out hope that I will wake up. And yet, I must fight, every moment, to want to care enough to stick around. To not just do something so I can join him. To care enough to remember to eat and drink, and to take necessary meds. To hope that I will not long, the rest of my life, for death. Just because every ounce of my very being aches to be with him again and see his smile and hear his voice. To have him wrap me in his arms and tell me it will all be ok. It's not ok. I am alone and expected to be strong and find happiness again. To find a way to not only think about what I lost. 

Everyone has told me, over and over again, that they never saw Alden happier than he was when he started being with me. It does make me feel a little better to know that I made him as happy as he made me. That if it was written somewhere that he had to go on the morning of March 22nd, that at least 3 of his final years were happy with me. I also have no regrets about how we left things. He had asked me if I was upset with him Monday when he went upstairs to go play tanks. He had sensed something in my mood and just wanted to be sure we were ok (he was very big on not holding things in if you have a problem or annoyance you talk about it. how else do you solve them?). He had a big smile on his face when he asked. He just wanted me to be happy. He radiated that. Told me it often. I told him we were good. That there was nothing wrong and that I loved him. "Love you too," he said before going upstairs. We always told each other how we felt. We always were very clear on our feelings about one another. We said as much many times every day of our marriage. We weren't perfect. No one is. But we were happy. We had found a little corner of happiness and claimed it for our own. We talked through all of our problems and solved every one. We were happy and very much in love. Almost like a tease to me...here is a taste of happiness. You can know what it is before I pull out the rug. So you know what you are missing when it's not there anymore...and they all expect me to not want to go and join him.

So when people ask me how I'm doing all I can say is "I'm still here." It actually says a lot. I'm still alive and breathing without him. I'm still seeing the sunrise on another day without my loving husband. Right now that's really all I can offer anyone. I'm still here...