Work and Memories

 Dear Alden- 

Your work came and picked up your computer and everything today. I knew it would be hard for me to see it gone, but it was more than I expected. I tried very hard to not cry in front of the courier...but a few tears came out. He was nothing but kind. He even offered to go to the dump for me if I needed it. Very kind. We had to look through your drawers for the keyboard and headset. Found the keyboard, but not the headset. He said it wasn't a big deal. 

I'm sure you're wondering why it was so hard to see your work computer go. I remember when it arrived. You were so excited. You loved how big that monitor was. You took photos of it and called everyone about it. I remember you setting the whole thing up, and being so hopeful for the future of this new job. You just knew it was going to be a good change. You were right. It really was. They have been nothing short of amazing during this whole process.  But it still hurts to see that part of you leave. I wasn't ready for that...for any part of you to not be just as you left it in our house. I'm not ready to have it in my face that you're gone, and never coming back. Gosh, I hate that word, never. I know that right now you don't care about the computer. You don't care about your worldly possessions. But it's still hard for me. 

I finally dreamed of you last night, by the way. I dreamed of a wish my heart has. A wish that I so very much wanted to be true. I dreamed that I was able to go back in time, to that Saturday before. The day we went tile shopping. I dreamed that you mentioned that arm pain you had. (I don't know if you had mentioned it then or not, but in my dream you did) I sat next to you and told you that this was going to be a serious problem. That it wasn't just a pinched nerve. I explained that we needed to get you to the doctor's office and have them run tests on you. That we needed you to be on blood thinners and a statin. You kindly nodded and didn't say anything. Just listened and held my hand. That was it. That was my dream. I warned you. I told you the solution and how you could live longer. I never got to see if you listened. 

Gosh I love you. So very very much. I know you know that. But this is hard. This isn't something I want to do. I want to just quit this whole thing. Truly. I would like to just be done. I want to hear your voice and see your smile. I want to look into your eyes and see how much you love me. I want to tell you that I think you're handsome (because I do) and have you moon me as you walk away from me. I want you to be here so I can cry on your chest while you hold me. I just want you.  

Someone on one of my facebook groups for young widows/widowers wrote a list of things they love about their late spouse. I thought it was a nice idea. A way to never forget the little things. So here I go - 

1.I love how you loved my freckles. You were the first person to make me feel like they were attractive.

2. I love how you loved my red hair. All of it. How you called me your ginger. 

3. I love how you made me feel sexy. How I'd wear a push-up bra and you'd love the view. How I'd wear my nightdress and you loved seeing me in it. Even my workout outfit. You would come to see me after I'd work out and say how much you loved my silly sports bra. How you thought it was sexy. I have never felt so attractive. 

4. I love how you kissed me. You were patient with my fumbling first attempt and learned what I loved about kissing you. I loved kissing you. 

5. I love how you'd hold my hand and use your thumb to caress it. How you'd want me to hold your hand or have my hand on your thigh while you drove. How, if I got frustrated while we chatted in the car and pulled my hand away, you'd grab my hand and put it right back where it was. Secretly I loved how you made me smile through my frustrations. How sometimes you'd pull my hand higher on your thigh just because you knew it made me laugh. 

6. I love how you loved my boobs. You always told me that you loved them too. I love how you were so proud that day when you had your hand down my shirt while we were driving (not the safest, I know) and that motorcyclist saw you and did a double-take only to salute you. How I was super embarrassed and you laughed and laughed. You were so proud of yourself. 

7. I love how you could cut through my bullcrap. All of it. You could hear me be mad or frustrated and yet you'd ask me if a bride was being a brat, or if something had gone wrong otherwise during the day. How you'd patiently tell me we needed to meet on the consult couch and talk/snuggle it out. 

8. I love how you always wanted to take care of me. You were bothered that my parents could get through to me sometimes when you couldn't. You wanted to be that person for me. You wanted me to come to you first for everything. You wanted to be sure I always made it home safe and that I knew you would come for me whenever or wherever I needed it. 

9. How you helped me find my own voice. You showed me that I had value. Tons of it. And screw everybody else. If anyone treated me poorly I could say something and you'd have my back. I knew you always had my back. You'd cheer me on even. 

10. Speaking of cheering... I love how you were always my biggest cheerleader...for everything. You were so proud of my business. You bragged to everyone about it even. You were proud of how I designed our home. You reminded me of my faith whenever I had a rough time. You helped motivate me to get out of bed for church and to actually listen to the speakers so I could tell you what they talked about. You actually asked me what they talked about...because you knew I cared about it and it was important to me. 

12. I love how you loved that I gamed with you. Gosh I should have gamed with you more. I should have gamed with you whenever you asked. I shouldn't have let it annoy me. You never wanted to play for very long on the computer. I love how you started Stardew Valley with me. It wasn't your type of game but you just wanted to game with me...so you got into it. You found a part of it you could enjoy. You loved just relaxing on the bed with me and playing switch together. I loved that too. I even found your little pixel dude cute because you'd love giving me things in the game and it was just so you. 

13. I love how we often shared a brain. We would think so similar on things. We would always say "get out of my head" but laugh that we were just so similar

14. I love how you would moon me. I have a confession to make - I never have liked butts. Not even yours. However, you had this issue with your jeans and they would always show your crack when you bent over. I decided I wanted to not make a big thing about it and embarrass you, so I told you I liked your butt. It was as much for me as it was for you. I wouldn't be bothered by your crack and you'd laugh and pull up your pants. I actually grew to love your butt. Truly. I loved how you would moon me and wiggle it because you thought it was fun that I liked it. How if I'd miss the "show" you'd be disappointed and draw my attention so you could do it again. I love that I did that for you. That you would get a big grin whenever we talked about your butt. 

15. I loved how you loved me. You just loved all of me. It was an all-encompassing non-judgemental kind of love.  A love I could feel safe in. And I did. When you had your arms around me, holding me tight against you, I just felt so very loved. That I could honestly imagine that heaven must feel the same way. Moments of just pure love. I will always remember that. You made me stop being frustrated with you by simply saying that you loved me. Because I always knew you meant it. Always. 

16. I love how you loved music. You introduced me to all kinds that I hadn't enjoyed before. Yet, you were always open to whatever I wanted to listen to. If I wasn't in the mood for something you'd change it to whatever I wanted. You were always so patient with me. And kind. You loved me, and it showed in everything you did. Even music. You knew piano music relaxed me. So if I was having a stressful day you'd turn some on for me. You knew I heard words in my mind, even if they were not sung, if there were words to a melody. So you came up with words to your alarm to help remind me to take my pills. I will forever hear your singing/words to that tune now. 

17. I loved how you listened to me. If I had a complaint about something you'd listen. If I didn't like something, you'd listen. You'd acknowledge me if I had a point, and you'd change or at least try. I loved that about you. I loved that so very much. It was so different than anything I had seen before. 

18. I love how I could never stay mad at you. I told you that you knew how to melt me. And you truly did. Yeah, in the moment it would frustrate me. But if I was being honest it was nice. You knew exactly what I needed, always. It was a gift of yours. If I took off for a walk because I was mad you'd come to get me and take me for a ride. You knew I loved car rides. You'd drive me around until I calmed down. You brought me dinner when I went and sat in the closet because I was upset. You would always do something that would bring a smile to my face. Even when I didn't want to smile. 

19. I love how you knew my laughs and could easily pick up on how comfortable I was. You could sense when I was not in my element and you'd send me a side smile, or hold my hand. You were so good at reassuring me. 

20. I love how you loved to snuggle. You'd risk being late to work so you could get in a few extra snuggles. How I'd have my back to you and you'd wiggle your fingers under my side and pull me into you. How, if I wanted to pull away out of frustration, you'd pull me back and not let me go. How you told me that it hurt you for me to pull away because you loved me so much and wanted to spend all of your snuggles with me. How you'd tell me that some things were silly to fight about because it was just wasting time that could be spent snuggling. 

Gosh, there is just so much I love about you. So very much. But I'll make another list another time. I love the memories of you. They bring me comfort. I knew true love. I had found my person. I was with him for the rest of his life, and I made him happy. I'd like to think he was as happy as he made me. I will be with him in the eternities...and as hard as that is to remember I need to keep that in mind. I will see you again, Alden. I will know that love again and be able to see your smile and your eyes again. And although this sucks, I am a better person for your loving me.