Day 1 of our Trip

Dear Alden, 


Remember how I mentioned that the hotel was a bit rough? Well, at a little after 8 this morning the housekeeping people banged on the door and tried to open it. Seriously. It woke me up and I had to respond so they would leave. Lovely way to wake up...


I figured I would write a Facebook post, and go get breakfast- since I was up anyway. So I put on some clothes and went for some food. I really thought of you doing that. It made me imagine you not wanting to wake up, and me asking if you wanted food. You asking me to bring you something...while still really being asleep. A ritual we did several times. Well, I went and had a simple egg breakfast with some sausage. It wasn't bad. After eating I returned to the room and relaxed for a little bit before deciding to get my long drive started. It's a 4 hour drive down to Charlston. 


I checked out of the room at a little after 10am and hit the road. I started out in silence. I have found that I prefer to drive in silence now. It let's me think of you. I can remember our talks and fun memories while I'm driving in the car. I realized, however, that I was still tired. And about 1.5 hours into my drive I needed something to keep me awake. So I listed to my 2 go to songs. I enjoy the song you sent me - you are not alone- as well as a new one by imagine dragons called "wrecked" both are very me right now. The music helped. 


I arrived at my cousins house without incident. I found that the mustang is fun to hear the rumble. But there are some odd things about it that I'm not in love with. 

It has been ridiculously hot today though. You would have hated that. I have been sweating a ton. And my poor feet are super sore. But Suzy took me all around the big shopping areas. I told her I love to shop. I got a couple of things. I got a magnet in honor of you. You collected them. I got myself a pin. I feel like you would have been annoyed at my browsing. I could almost hear you saying "wifey..." and giving me a look because you wanted me to move on. It made me smile for a moment. I do wish you were here. So very much. You always gave me a bad time for browsing. Haha. 


After shopping we went looking for food. I was stupid hot, and just not feeling the seafood she was offering. So I pulled up the internet and found a different spot. It was wonderfully air conditioned and we got right in. Our waiter was awesome and very helpful. I got the pork chop and Suzy got swordfish. We also tried a meat plate that was pretty yummy as well. All of our food was amazing. It was not cheap, but it was very good. As you would have done, I paid for dinner. I thought of you and how you often did that for friends. 


After dinner we came back to her house and chatted. I asked her about the dating thing and I told her I couldn't see myself dating again. How could anyone understand what I have been through? How my whole heart will never stop loving you? And that I will never stop talking about you or stop having your photos up...or stop being a part of your family's lives. They are my family now too. I don't want that to ever change. She doesn't get that...but I wouldn't really expect her to. She has lost someone but she was just dating him. Not that grief is a contest, but it's not the same. You were my world- my past, present and future. The hard part of losing that will never go away. How could it? 


I do enjoy Suzys dog. He's a sweetheart that makes me smile. He loves to play keep away and is so happy to see you. You would have loved him too. 


I miss you Alden. You are in everything I see and do. I wish I could be sharing it with you. That this could be a new set of memories between us. That we could go fishing together in the wee morning hours and be miserable...but have a new story to tell about it. 


I think about all the adventures we were supposed to go on. You were supposed to show me Costa Rica. You loved it there and I wanted you to show me why, like I showed you Japan. You were supposed to take me to Maine and show me a lobster roll and all the stars you can see in the dark there. We were going to go to Barbados...and Bratislava. Fiji with Nelson and Alia, also Italy with them...We had so much we wanted to do together. It hurts that we don't get to. That you felt so strongly we needed more "couple" things to do...archery and bike riding for example...that you wanted to take me on a date to NW trek so I could finally see it. That you owed me dinner at that fancy place in South Lake Union. That we never got to go back to Lake Chelan and enjoy that yummy Mexican food again...or have Pho at our favorite spot in Seattle again. We had so much of life left to do together. That's part of what is so hard. All of the future plans we had that we won't get to do. When I married you we had this beautiful life planned...and it wasn't long enough. I want more time with you...and it hurts...it just hurts so much knowing I won't get that. 


Today I started to cry in the car because I had a wonderful memory of you - it was when you got out my quad and had me go for a quick ride on it. You had just finished a loop and told me I should do the same. So I did. I did a loop. You had so much joy on your face when I was riding. You took so much joy in watching me have fun. You always wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. I remember finishing the lap, and you telling me to go again. You just had the biggest smile. I miss your smile. So much. And that's why I cried. I cried because I miss having someone who sincerely just wanted my happiness. I didn't know how lucky I was. 


I love you Alden. I always will. I pray I do not have to wait 40 years until I see you again. I don't know if I can last that long. 


I will write again tomorrow. 


Your forever wifles - Alicia 

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