Day 2 of our trip

 Dear Alden, 


Yesterday started off a little slow. I got up at about 9:30 and got dressed. Suzy live right next to a park with a trail, and she had appointments this morning so I decided to go for a walk. It wasn't muggy yet so it was a nice walk. I talked to you a bit, as I was the only one on the trail. I miss you. Every part of me misses you. As I walked I wished you were with me. Holding my hand or just next to me. You weren't big on walks, but we did go on a few. I loved just being with you. The park is beautiful. I love all the trees and the different ferns and such. It's not home, but it definitely has its own beauty. 


After my walk I got back and so was Suzy. It had started to get muggy and hot, so I was ready to get back in the AC. We chatted for a bit and she had some lunch. I wasn't really hungry. She had an interview at 2pm so I figured I'd take her dog for another walk while she was on her call. I relaxed until about 2 and left again. This time I tried a different trail. However, it was so very hot and muggy that I was covered in sweat in no time. I felt bad for the dog so we were only gone for about 30min or so. When I got back I just relaxed until she was done. 


We decided to head out after her interview. We went and saw this really big and old tree, called the Angel Oak. It was beautiful. You would have enjoyed it I think. I took a bunch of photos. 


After the tree we went to the beach. I remembered going with you to the beach in Hawaii. How I tried to get you to swim with me, and how you reluctantly did...with a shirt on. How you just sat in the sand and let the waves and water come to you. You would have liked this beach. You could walk quite a ways out. I saw a man in the water with his shirt on and knew that would have been you. But I think you would have had fun with me. You would have enjoyed watching me have fun. You were always good to me about being supportive of my fun. And I did enjoy the beach and swimming. The water was warm and it was fun to have the waves hit you while standing. 


My heart longs for you to be here with me though. Even when I'm having fun, I feel your absence. I saw a toy for sale and I wanted to cry. It was a silly tank made from bullet casings. You would have laughed at it. I could hear the half laugh in my head when I saw it. I thought that if I had just come on vacation without you that I would have picked it up as a souvenir for you when I got home. That's what hurts. Knowing you aren't home. That I no longer need to buy things for you. It's why shopping isn't quite as fun anymore too. I see you in everything. And I loved finding things that would make you smile. Like the book I got you or the bullet flowers or the bottle I bought you. I loved to make you happy. It was my goal to bring a smile to your face. And when I shop I always tried to find something that would do that. Even at the grocery store. You loved it when I just new what to get you and I loved that you appreciated it. 


After the beach we went back to suzys house to drop off the dog. You would have been super stressed about all the sand that got everywhere. But I figured I'd clean it out later. 


For dinner I found a local spot that was known for their fried chicken. You knew it was my goal to eat southern fried chicken here. It wasn't at all like I imagined. But it was good! It was the first meal thing I did just because I wanted to. Not because we had planned it or because I was now here without you...but because it had always been my goal. You would have laughed at all the fried foods I ordered. It was a plate full. The waiter was sweet and very kind to us as well. Being called "honey" by a big black man is just so southern for some reason...and not at all belittling like it has felt to me before. Just more natural and kind. 


After dinner we went to Suzys backyard and chatted. We watched the sunset and I got to see fireflys. It was magical. I loved it. I wonder if you have seen them before. Probably. I never had. I wished I could have asked you. There are so many things I wish I could ask you. I thought I had all the time to still get to learn more about you. I wish I did. 


She went to bed right after that, at about 9 or so. So I chatted with people from home. My mom, your mom, Alia and Matt. It was nice. 


Gosh I miss you though. I think that will never go away. You brought me so much happiness. I know we weren't perfect...I for sure wasn't. But we love eachother...and we talked about things. Solving problems is easier when you can talk it out. 


You would have loved watching me drive the mustang, by the way. I would have had to try and not smile or tell you how much I enjoy the rumble it does when you put your foot into it. You always wanted one...and seeing me enjoy it would have made you want one more. I really do like the engine sounds it makes. I wish you were here to appreciate it with me. Suzy doesn't get it. 


I really hate that I'm on this vacation without you. That I'm not able to talk to you about...everything. That I am not falling asleep to the sound of your cpap and the feeling of your arms around me. That I don't get the 3 taps on my head with your arm signaling you are ready for snugs. Just thinking about that...that I won't have that ever again...it breaks my heart all over again. You and I were happy. And I miss how easy it was for me to be happy with you. And how wonderful it was to have you to just talk to. I miss that so much...I miss my best friend. Alden Lavin was very much my best friend. The reason I decided to come see you that first time...and the reason I started to be interested in you was how much I realized I enjoyed talking to you. That never went away. In just shy of 4 years since we were together I still preferred to chat with you. It's why I write to you like this. Because I miss that, so very much. 


I love you Alden Lavin. My whole heart loves you. I always will. I think my heart will always be missing a part of it until we are together again. I just pray it doesn't take 40 years for that to happen. 


I'll write again about today tomorrow.


Until I see you again, you are in my heart. Forever. 

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