Our Trip- Day 3

Wednesday was a lazy day. And didn't go exactly as planned. 


The day started off with getting up at around 10am. Suzy had another interview at 1130 this morning, so I went out and chatted with her. We talked about the social issues in the world - like gun control. I thought of you. You would have been able to have better arguments on that than I did. 


At 11:30 she went upstairs for her interview and I went to lay down again. I wrote some on Facebook and posted a photo on Instagram. I then decided to go play with her dog on her back porch. It's actually a great place to also people watch too. I watched the people come and go along the trail. They never look up and see this random girl watching them either. One lady walked by with a fish in her net. She hurried past then I saw her come back. I wasn't sure why she would do that. But to each their own. 


About 2 hours later Suzy came down and said she was done being on calls. We decided to take her dog for a walk before we headed out for the day. So we got everything ready and left. We went for about a 30 min walk around the trails. It wasn't as hot today as it was yesterday, so that was nice. 


On the way back from the walk her dog got sick and puked. It was quite a bit. Then when we got back he acted like he wasn't feeling well. So Suzy called the vet. They recommended bringing him in. She felt bad but I told her to do it today. Why wait? So she took him in right then. She came back about an hour later without her dog. They wanted to keep him overnight. She was understandably bummed. 


We did decide to head out for the garden exhibit I had gotten tickets for. It was a 2 hour drive to get there, so we thought it would be best to get going. 


The exhibit was quite the thing. It was this huge garden that had art using lights all around the grounds. There were also several statues and poems scattered throughout. I loved it. The trees alone were beautiful. We walked around to see the statues and poems first. We decided to do another loop once it got darker, so we could get the full effect. 


To waste time until dusk we decided to grab some food. It was simple food- hot dogs, a deep fried pretzel, and such. But it was food and it did the job. We finished at just the right time. 


Once it was lit up the whole place was magical. We both loved it. I'm glad we went. 


We didn't leave there until about 9:30 or so. We didn't want to be out too late, as I had to take Suzy to a surgery appointment at 7am the next morning. We had a good talk on the ride home though. 


This whole trip has been on and off hard. I can forget about my loss for a moment or two. I'm on vacation and things are totally different. I can go about my day and try to relax, and just be in the moment. But then it is like a wave hits me. I am overwhelmed with missing you. The lack of your presence feels like a lead weight around my neck. I want to burst into tears. I want you to be here with me. To laugh when I laugh. To join in my conversations. It is a physical pain. It hurts so much to not have you with me. It can be the simplest things that trigger it too. When I'm standing in a gift shop, looking at over priced souvenirs. When I'm having a conversation about one of your passions. Or when I see a cardinal...I just never know exactly what will trigger it. This is something new. Before my trip I could have good moments or bad. Usually I was in our home and something obvious would make me miss you. But here...here it's totally unpredictable. And that's almost harder. It's like when I was at the ocean yesterday. I was playing in the waves, having fun with them hitting me. But a few times I had my back to them and they were bugger than I thought. I would end up with a mouth full of water because I was unprepared. It's just like that...it's like my back is towards the waves and I cannot see them coming. 


Sometimes I just want to scream. I want to shout out at the world about the injustice of it all. I don't care that he no longer cares...I care. He was supposed to be experiencing this whole trip with me. Seeing the things I'm seeing. Making more memories. He didn't get enough time on this earth, let alone enough time with me. I hate this. 


A lot of people have said I should write a book. Most, I'm sure, mean about grief. But there are so many of those and those people have put things so well. I could never hope to contribute to that genre in a more meaningful way than they have. I have, however, decided to write our story. We absolutely have one too. I tend to think it's a good one. It ends sadly though. But thats life. We need more stories where those we invest in have bad things happen and they are sad...and thats ok. They don't have to have this glorious ending. My book will end with me, grieving you...but surviving. And really, what's more relatable than that? It's real and honest. 


Anyway, it will be based on us. I have already started it. I've written a few chapters already. Whether or not I publish it is another thing...but it is a place to put down my memories...stories of you...stories of how we came to be together. And that is something I know I will always treasure. 


I love you Alden Lavin. Always. I don't regret a moment of our time together. I'd do it all again. Even though I know how our story ends...and how much this hurts...I'd do it all again. 


Until tomorrow- Alicia 

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