Our Trip

 Dear Alden, 

I was convinced to go on the trip we had planned, even though it would be without you. My cousin said to still come but spend the whole time with her. So, thats what I'm doing. I canceled most of our reservations and I will be staying with her for 9 days. 

It was almost like you knew something was going to happen. I was the one who made all the hotel reservations and plans. I kept prompting you to decide what fishing charters you wanted to go on and reserve them. I wanted you to reserve the car and make other decisions...and you drug your feet. Now those are things I didn't have to cancel. 

It's so hard to be traveling without you though. I have felt your absence so so much. For example - I was very overwhelmed when I was dropped off at the airport today. The line for Delta was ridiculously long. I stood in it anyway. I was directed to a priority line...and I looked at the time. I was supposed to be boarding in 20 min. The priority line wasn't moving. At all. I was panicking. I called my parents...who were less than helpful. They told me to call the 1800 delta number. Which would do nothing...I hung up from them and a lady saw me crying. She told me to cut in line. So I asked the man in the front of the line if I could cut. That I'd be super fast. He said yes...but everyone behind him starting complaining, and being super rude. He just shrugged and said they could be mad at him. He didn't care. Thankfully I really was super fast, less than a minute. I then rushed over to security. First class line was a breeze. No issues there. But then I got to the gate and decided to be sure your seat would be empty. See, I had decided to keep your seat on the flight. I knew it would be hard for me to travel without you, but I knew it would be harder to have a stranger next to me. So I had called the week before leaving to be sure it would be empty. However, the gate lady said no. It would be filled. I started to freak out on her so she got a supervisor. He made some calls and said he would make sure it was empty for me. I was grateful, and thanked him a lot. I got on the plane and he came and asked if I could send a copy of your death certificate to him so I wouldn't have any issues on my return flight. I sent it right then. 

The flight itself was uneventful. I was able to have my empty seat next to me...and I did what I often do in the car- and reached over like I was holding your hand. I only cried a little on the plane. It wasn't bad. The stewardess even came and talked to me by name. 

When we landed I got my bag and found where to go for the rental car. You would laugh, I still got the convertible we talked about. I figured why not. The guy offered a BMW convertible...but the mustang looked more fun. So I am driving a white one. It sounds funny when going slow...like something is scraping. I hope it is ok. It sounds fine when you are going faster. I just don't know though. I wouldn't want to have to pay for it to be fixed. I am just unsure of mustangs...so I just don't know. I wish you were here. I'd rather it was you figuring this out. Driving me around and finding the hotel. Helping me lift the suitcase and being my support. 

So I eventually made it to the hotel. You would have words about it. It's pretty rough. You'd revoke my ability to reserve hotels again for sure. It's barely furnished and smells strongly of pot. But at least the bed is fine and there is AC. 

Gosh I just miss you so much. I hate thinking about the fact that I have to do this life without you. I hate that so much. My person isn't here to help me any more. My go to person for everything is gone.  I didn't realize how much I had grown accustomed to you in these last 3 years. But I really had. And that sucks...because you left me behind and all alone. I once told you that I wanted a child so I wouldn't be alone. You said it was a selfish reason to have a kid. You weren't wrong, but my point still stands. How am I supposed to continue on without you? Every fiber of my being wants to give up on life and hide in a hole, praying for it to be over. I want to not see anyone anymore, or do anything because it all reminds me that you're no longer here. 

I am not going to lie. You got on my nerves sometimes. Sometimes I hated knowing something would be a fight. If it was a family thing I had to worry you'd offend someone because you hated how loud my family is, or how nick and leia run around. If it was bill's you'd complain how much we spent on eating out (not that you were wrong). Or if I wanted to eat on the couch you'd give me a bad time and insist I have a napkin. 

But our "fights" were stupid things. Little things that were easily solved, mostly because you always listened to me. You just wanted me to be happy. You said that to me all the time. James even knew it. He said as much when I told him I was going on this trip.  

Why did you have to be everything I needed in a husband? Why couldn't I have had a terrible husband that I was glad I didn't have around anymore? You had to be so good for me. So patient with my drama. So indulging of my whims. So sweet and thoughtful. So very much my person. 

I'm sorry Alden. I'm so sorry for all the times I was difficult. For all the times I questioned our relationship or pushed you away from me in anger. It is said we push hardest against those we feel safe with and love the most. I did feel safe in your love. I never questioned or doubted it. And I'm sorry for any hard times I waisted when we could have been snuggling. 

This hurts so much Alden. So very very much. How am I supposed to enjoy this trip without you when I don't even want to be alive anymore? 

I will write you again tomorrow. 

All of my love, Alicia