Sailing on our Trip

 Yesterday was a lazy day. Which was good. Suzy had her surgery this morning. I dropped her off and just came back to her house and relaxed while that was done. When she was ready I went and picked her up. We came back and she wanted a little nap, but the vet called to say the dog was ready to be picked up. Thankfully they didn't find anything wrong with him. So we went and got the dog. By the time all of this was done it was about 2pm or so. We got back and she did want a nap, so she took one. So I just relaxed again. Which was fine. 


It was a hard day though. I was just overwhelmed with missing you. Probably because we had so much downtime. 


We had an appointment to go sailing in the evening. This was something you and I talked about doing with her. Remember? You thought it would be fun to take Suzy because she hadn't been on the harbor or sailing before. So I booked it...so we could go in your honor. 


The boat was the same size as the one we went on with Greg and Tracey. I really felt your absence on the boat though. The captain was chatty and more than happy to talk boats with people. You would have loved that. You could talk boats with anyone. There was a man from Jersey on thr boat with us too. He wanted to talk about boats as well. Very much your scene. Plus, on this boat trip we just got to relax. No helping to run things. 


I sat at the front of the boat. There were times I just leaned back and closed my eyes. I wanted a piece of that peace you loved about sailing. I wanted to feel you were with me. I wished you were. I wanted to experience this for both of us. It was something I wouldn't have done or known I would enjoy if it hadn't been for you. 


I would be lying if I said I didn't cry at all. I did. My heart was so full on that boat. I wanted you to be there with me so very much. I wanted to lean against you and have you tell me about the boat and talk about the one you wanted. To have you explain how things worked and to have you snuggle me. I wanted you to be happy to have shown my cousin how peaceful sailing can be. 


At one point we saw a rainbow. It was a small one, but I'd like to think it was because you were thinking of me. That you made sure I'd see it. 


Gosh I love you. I love the way you introduced me to your passions. How you really wanted me to enjoy what you did, because you wanted to share that part of you with me. 


Your mom texted me while I was on the boat. She reminded me that you still want me to be happy. I keep having people remind me of that. I think, again, that is probably you. You trying to take care of me still. You reminding me to try and not wollow in my sadness. To try and find my smile. It's hard sometimes. I ache to be with you again. It's like not being able to see past your nose, because the future, whats ahead of you, is not what you imagined it would be. 


I took a photo of myself on the boat. It was for you. I don't think I'm that pretty or photogenic...but I knew you do. You would have taken a photo of me. Probably more than one. So I was trying to see myself as you see me. I couldn't quite muster a smile, but I think the photo turned our nice. You could have made me smile...a real smile. I couldn't bare to take one of a fake smile for you. You would have known it was fake. 


I love you Alden. I say that all the time, but it is true. You made me happy. Truly happy. And I will always...always love you for that. 

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