3 Months

 Dear Alden, 


I do not even know how to begin this letter. How do you write and say the impossible? How do you acknowledge something to someone when you can't even understand or accept it? How do you even start? 


The easy answer is that you don't. I mean, for me it still doesn't seem real anyway. 


3 months. You have been gone for 3 months. How is that possible? It feels like it has been both 3 years and 3 seconds. You and I had only ever spent a week apart our whole relationship. We saw eachother every single day otherwise. And yet...now it's been 3 months...


3 months since I last saw your smile. 3 months since we snuggled and laughed together. 3 months since our biggest concern was our dinner plans that weekend. 3 months since I last kissed you and heard you tell me that you loved me. 3 months since you and I occupied the same space. 


3 months ago I had no idea that I'd be walking into a funeral home by the end of the week to discuss next step plans. I had no idea that my life would be turned upside down and that I'd live in a nightmare reality. That I'd understand what it feels like for your very soul to hurt. That I'd spend the next 3 months trying to work through PTSD among numerous other things that are now a part of my life. 


I hate that it's been 3 months. How could the first day of summer have been Monday? You didn't really even get to see spring!  The world might think it's summer...that July is starting a week from Friday. But they don't know what I know. They don't know that the world stopped spinning 3 months ago. A date I cannot even write or see...but that is the day when all time stopped. I exist in the early morning hours of that day. I am afraid everyone else is just mistaken that time had moved on. 


It's funny, but not really, what grief does to you. For example - my mind now makes up memories of that horrible morning. Things that never happened. Images I never saw. These are not happy new memories or images either. Quite the opposite actually. My counselor said it's normal and part of my mind coming to terms with the trauma. It's trying to fill in gaps that in the moment I purposely didn't fill. So for my mind, it hasn't been 3 months. I'm still reliving that day and creating new memories. I freaking hate that day. 


I know why the promise of having no more goodbyes is such a wonderful one. Until you have said goodbye to someone you love...not knowing when you'll see or talk to them again...not knowing when you'll simply be with them again...you cannot understand how much not ever having to do that again means. I know I'll see you again. I know that. I also know that 3 months is a long time without you...and yet it's nothing. It's a drop of water in my life bucket...a bucket that could be only half full at this point...and that is hard to accept. But it's also only a drop in our eternal life together, and I have to try snd keep that perspective. I'm not going to lie - it's freaking hard to keep that perspective. It's freaking hard to be ok with time moving on without you. It's hard to see the number 22 and not want to erase it from existence...(which sucks because it's also the year...) This life has gone from expectedly hard, everyday hard to extremely difficult. 


But there. I've acknowledged it. It's been 3 months since you were by my side and we were laughing...I love that we laughed so much together by the way. It hurts, more than I care to admit, to acknowledge the passage of time. But I've done it now.  


Please be proud of me. Be proud I'm still getting out of bed and getting dressed...every.single.day. That I planted some tomatos in my garden again and that I am still working. I love how you would find things to be proud of me for...and how you'd hug me and tell me that you thought I was amazing. I couldn't be doing this alone, and knowing you are aware of me and doing what you can to support me on your side helps...


I love you Alden Lavin. From the depths of my soul I love you. From the moment you picked me up and held me in your arms while we were swimming and I told you to be careful because I was falling in love with you, I've loved you. Our story is one for the ages, and I love that I ended up with you. 


And if it's 3 more months or 30 more years until I see you again (good gracious that was hard to write) I know my love for you will still be the same. 


Your wife, whose heart is not broken but who's soul aches to be with you again- Alicia

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