Alone

 Dear Alden- 


I'm writing this from our house. I'm staying here alone, for the first time since you left me. The cat gives me some peace of mind, as I'm not completely alone. Although I wish you were here to help with her crying. She does that a lot...and I'm annoyed by it so easily now. 


I wonder around our house and just think of you. So many things trigger memories of you. I'm glad of that, really. But sometimes it's hard. I'm glad I have you around me so much...but right now it still makes me miss you. 


For example - when I go to check my face and completion I am flooded with memories of you. You and Your Hitler stash and your black face. You thinking you're so funny. You encouraging me to be more proactive about my completion. Us doing facemasks before the wedding together. You helping to pop a troublesome zit. You feeling new ones on my face and saying "oh wifey" with honest concern. You using the tools on me to help get them. You plucking my facial hairs with such care...you were so proud when you learned to do it without hurting me. 


Whenever I take off my garments I think of you. I remember you deciding it was time for us to sleep "skin to skin" and helping me take them off. Or when I was being stubborn, you threatening to rip them off of me saying "hulk smash". You were so proud of yourself that you did rip one of them one time. It made you feel so strong. Haha. 


Along with that, I remember you grabbing me around the waist and pulling me into you. Secretly I loved that. I loved how that made me feel. I would do things to purposely get you to pull me back. I remember the first time you did it...while we were dating. I was getting up to get ready to leave. We were in Morton. You weren't ready for me to go yet. I sat up and started to stand but you pulled me back into you, and held me close. You said you didn't want me to leave yet. Gosh I miss that feeling. The feeling of being wanted like that. Of someone just not wanting to be away from me. 


I take a bath and remember you popping in to make sure I'm not making a mess, and to comment on my red hairs. You always made me feel so attractive. Always. 


You know, I never told you that sometimes I would honestly mentally step back and look at my life. I'd see how much you loved me. How you made me feel. How happy I was...and I would wonder if this was really my life. Was it really me you were so in love with? Alicia Dempsey. The one person who was teased all her life. Who's brother used to say "forever alone" to because she was always...alone. And yet...I had found my other half. And it didn't seem real. It didn't feel like I would be the one who was loved and treated like that. That it was a big mistake somehow. And then you'd look at me...the way you did. Your eyes always betrayed you. Your smile, your inner giggle and tease...your love for me was always in your eyes. And I couldn't deny it. I was the luckiest girl in the world to have the life I did. To be so loved. Thank you for that. Truly. I had the best 4 years with you. We balanced eachother out in so many ways. Once you've found your match, it's so very hard to go back to being alone. When you know what being together is like why would you ever be happy alone again? 


And that...that is why it is so hard without you. I know how to be alone. I did it for 36 years. I've lived aline. I've had my own place and done my own things. I've gone on vacations alone, gone out to eat alone, I've gone to movies alone. And then...you happened...and I didn't have to. I had a built in friend to do it all with. 


You want to know something funny? When you first invited me to go to Hawaii with you I said no. I didn't think you were serious. Then you pushed it, said you meant it. Again, I said no and suggested you go alone. You said you'd have more fun if I went...so I started considering it. When I decided to go I figured there was a chance you'd annoy me. Seriously, I planned back up things to do just in case you bugged me and I wanted to do some things without you. Then we chatted more...and I got to know you more...and I started wondering what we were going to Hawaii as- friends or as a couple. But when we booked the flight I knew that answer. We were together. Very much so. The flight attendant even thought we were married because we snuggled the whole flight. I have taken that flight so many times...but that was the first time I didn't mind it. I didn't want to be away from you. And we weren't, the whole trip. We couldn't get enough of our time together. We even joked about eloping on that trip. 


See, I got used to you. I loved being around you. I know you felt the same. You often would text me that you missed me if I was gone all day on errands. We just belonged together. And I loved that. 


It's like never having had ice cream. Your whole life you've seen other people enjoy it. You've wondered what it would taste like. You've even held it in your hands a couple of times, thinking maybe this would be when you got to taste it. And then when you finally do...it tastes like nothing you've ever had before. You love that you finally have this new food in your life. And then...suddenly...it's gone. You don't have it anymore, and you don't know when or if you will ever get to taste it again...and thats hard. Because you should have been able to enjoy it the rest of your life. So many of those around you have done that. But now...it's gone. And it's so hard to go back to not having ice cream when you know how good it tasted. And to know it might be years, decades until you find yourself able to enjoy it again. And that...is hard. 


I miss you. This grief is not a lack of faith. It's not me feeling like I don't know where you are. I have gone through that before. I did for a moment when I lost you too...but that has been answered for me. I know where you are. I know you are waiting for me. I know that. I also know I'll see you again, and that you'll be there to greet me. That I don't have to fear death anymore. I know all of that. I know it. No, this grief is me missing you. Missing your physical presence here...with me. Missing every aspect that just made you you. Missing your laugh, your noises, your silly jokes. Missing you. And it's hard. Harder than anyone could possibly imagine. Knowing that I'll see you again lessens the sting, bit it still hurts. And I just wish I wasn't having to do this...as I'm sure every single person in my situation feels as well. It just sucks. And that's not going to change. 


I love you Mr Lavin. With my whole heart. I always have. You knew that from the beginning, when I told you to be careful with it. Just as I knew I had yours when you told me you'd never felt like this or acted the way you did before. You told me I brought out a side of you that you didn't even know you had. It was the same for me. And I'll always be grateful to you for showing me that side. 


Im yours, Always and forever, Alden. Always and forever. 


-Alicia 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

beginning

Hi.  I suppose I should start by introducing myself. It's hard to imagine what is to follow without some sort of description of who's perspective you're reading from.  My name is Alicia.  It's pronounced ah-lee-sha. I actually really love my name. My mom had heard it many years before she had me. It has always been very me. And although lots of people say it wrong or spell it wrong, it's my name and I love it.  The next thing you should know about me is that I have freckles. Lots of them. My arms, face...whole body is covered in them. I also have brown hair with natural red highlights.  My eyes are what I have been told are quite unique - brown with green mixed in. Hazel by definition.  The rest of me is quite average. Nothing overly special. Maybe a bit over weight. I easily melt into any crowd. If you were to pass me on the street, there would be nothing about me to make you take notice.  It's been a personal joke of mine that I could walk around wit...
Read more

Morning

  My dear husband, I woke up this morning in tears, calling out your name. Even in my dreams, I miss you....I miss us. When I awoke, I realized that I have so many questions for you. So many things I wish you could answer.... Who was there to greet you when you passed? Was it your grandfather that you were so close to? Did you turn back to see me at any point when you were leaving? Did you watch as I tried to save you? Were you the reason I didn't panic? Were you there, giving me a hug while I did the unimaginable to the person I loved? Helping me do everything I could so that I wouldn't regret not doing more? What have you been doing these last 6 months? I know that learning continues, so I would imagine you are learning new things all the time. Have you met my family? My aunt you never knew, and my grandparents from both of my sides? You knew my uncle, you and he got along great. I'm sure you two have had many conversations now.  Is it terrible that I wonder if you miss m...
Read more

What you love

 Have you ever sat down and thought about what it is you love about someone? What little pieces of them make them unique and special to you. The little things that when added up equal that person.  Today I was sitting in Aldens office, in my chair just behind his computer chair. A spot the cat would often sit. I haven't had the strength or desire to change a thing in that space. The only difference is that a photo of him now sits where is monitor was. The rest is unchanged. His socks still sit on the chair. A shirt I had looked everywhere for is sitting beside his desk. There are noted and paperwork scattered across the surface of the desk. The desk that he and I peace together during a time when ikea desks were hard to come by. We made 3 of them. Nice long desks.  As I sit here I see so many parts of him. So many little things that I realize I will never hear or see again in this life. The socks, for example. I have so many sock stories. He and I used to joke that wearin...
Read more