Father's Day

 Dear Alden, 


I hate this. I hate everything about this. I've said that before. I'm sure I'll say it again. 


I hate the person that you have made me into, Alden. Please don't take that wrong. But I hate this new me. I hate that people look at me with pity now. That poor girl who's husband passed away. I hate their pity, and yet I understand it. I hate how everyone wants to ask me how I'm doing but they don't want the truth. They don't want to hear that I am simply existing. That this whole thing has awoken my inner 3 year old who simply wants to lay on the floor and kick and scream until they get their way. I hate that I didn't go with you...now there's something no one else wants to hear me say. Literally no one gets that one. Never in my whole life have I ever pleaded with God to just take my life...I can not say that anymore. I have honestly asked him to just take me home. To let me be done with this life. It's a horrible prayer to utter - please, Heavenly Father, let me die. But when you feel like your happiness died...it's hard to want to keep living. I don't want to keep living. I don't have a purpose anymore. I don't have anything keeping me here. I never wanted to do this life alone. Even when I thought I was going to have to, I hated it. I always wanted someone to do life with. Why...why give me what my heart desired only to take it away from me? I hate that I have a reason to be frustrated with God. 


I hate that I live with constant headaches and a major lack of appetite. I hate that, if I'm being honest, I'd rather just let myself go and just not eat at all. Although, that would be suicide and I don't want to do that...so maybe some side effect that's out of my control because I'm not hungry. That would be ok. But I can't say that out loud. I can't say these things to anyone because they'll think I want to kill myself. They will start to worry about my mental health. And I don't want that. I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want anyone to think about me at all. I want to just disappear. 


I hate that I am constantly looking for reasons to look forward to tomorrow. I don't anymore you know. I hate every tomorrow. I hate that I wake up every morning and I realize I have regressed. I'm back where I started before we were together. I wake up every morning and say your name and I have a flashback of loosing you...and I hate that. I hate that it's not me waking up to " 'licia take your pill" and you rolling over to snuggle me before getting up. I hate that the last 3 years together feel more like a dream than reality. I hate that we never got to talk more about adoption. I would have loved raising a child with you. We would have been so good at it together. We would have been such good examples of what a functional happy marriage based on communication looked like. Gosh I love you. I look at old photos of you and I hate that you aren't here to tell me about them. That I find things and I don't know their story. That I married you...Mr I never want to get married and yet...yet I spent the first year of our marriage trying to prove to my family that you weren't controlling me. That they didn't see the whole picture of us. That you loved me and not that I was willing to go along with whatever...that I had a voice in our relationship. I hate that I think about us dating and I remember you called it the dark ages...and that you hated remembering it because you hated how I felt so conflicted. I hate that I will never have the inside jokes about the smell of olive oil with anyone or blackened fish or being trapped in Morton with no power or driving my subaru over a tree or any of our adventures together...no one will have those stories but me now. And I hate that. I hate that the one person who really knew me...with all my faults and imperfections...the one person who saw me and made me feel so special...the one person who simply fell in love with my smile...that man is no longer here. And I hate that. 


I hate it so much that I want to quit. I want a "I quit" button. I'm done. I don't want any more of this life without you. I want my life back. I want you back. And no one seems to really understand that. 


So I have to keep waking up. I have to keep pretending I'm doing OK. I have to keep putting on the appearance that I'm not falling apart on the inside. That I'm not screaming and rejecting this reality that I'm stuck in. No one understands what this is like at all...and it's so lonely knowing that. And I hate it. 


And I hate that I bought a cat dad card for you and saved it for today...and you aren't here for me to give it to. I hate that so so much. 

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