It's hard

 Dear Alden, 


What has become of my life? It has become mush of time. I used to have things I looked forward to. We made plans, often. We did things. I had a full life. I was happy. I had my go to person whith whom I could go anywhere and do anything. Even if it wasn't your thing you'd support me. We had so many plans. 


Now? Now I can't even bring myself to enjoy eating. I look at food and would rather just not. I went through a phase of only wanting sweets. It was a long phase. Anything sweet was all that even remotely sounded good. Now...nothing. Thinking about food is not even a thing. I even bought myself some treats. Things I never eat...and still they don't make me want to eat. I eat a bite or 2 and I'm over it. I was invited to go to skippers for dinner tonight. You know how I love skippers...but the idea of food just doesn't even appeal to me. 


I am so broken. I have a weird pimple like bump on my nipple. It's been there for quote some time, before you left me even. It's just seemed to not be a big deal unless I push on it. No pain or anything. But now it's always showing and it seems to be getting bigger. It's terrible...but I want it to be a sign of something bad. I want it to mean I'm not long for this life. So part of me doesn't even want to be seen for it. Just let it be. Another part just wants to know what it is. 


See...I'm broken. It hurts and it sucks to feel so lost. I've never experienced anything like this. The depth of my sadness cannot be understood with words. I saw a show once that talked about being able to share emotions. They even talked about something similar on that new Star Trek, remember? The only way for someone to really understand is to experience my emotions. 


It's so hard...I do absolutely believe I will see you again. I yern for that reunion. I want you to greet me when it's my time. To reach out your hand and welcome me home. I want that with every fiber of my being...and yet I also want you to be proud of me. To tell me, like you did after I got my IUD that time, that you thought I was so brave and strong. Impressing you was something I love doing. I know I have to stay here, in my mortal existence, until I have finished whatever I am supposed to do. And yet...I would argue that I am done. That I have gotten what I wanted out of this life. That I'm ready for the next. 


You know, I was depressed when I found out about the diabetes. I honestly considered being done. I was scared for my future. I was so neieve. And yet, you called me...texted me your support. Reminded me I wasn't alone. That I was loved. You offered to come and get me...like you did that time I was so upset before. I remember seeing you and running into your arms. I needed that hug then. I needed it that day...and I need it now. Oh how I need your arms around me now. 


It would help if I didn't feel so...dead to emotions. I feel like I cannot feel you at all. I cannot feel the spirit either. Like I've been left alone. And that's...that's hard. I cannot do this alone. 


Gosh I miss you. Those words are so inadequate. I more than miss you. I long to be with you. I miss the sound of your laugh and the cadence of your voice. I miss your professional kind way of talking to your employees. I miss seeing your simple joy at making a difference at work. I miss you being so happy that you'd come to me and just want to burst. You were so happy Alden. I loved seeing that. I miss the sound of your tank game and the drum and base music you'd play while working. I miss arguing with you over stupid stuff...I miss kissing you. I loved kissing you. I loved how you always knew how I liked to be kissed. Remember that night when you thought you'd lose me...when I was leaving your apartment and upset about a conversation we had? Remember how you stopped me in the hall and kissed me...you kissed me hard and deeply. I melted into your arms...and as you pulled away you asked me who else would ever kiss me like that. And you were right...no one will. You are my person. I told you that often but it's so true. I miss having my person readily accessible to me....to text...to vent to. 


How am I supposed to do this without you? I don't even want to! My life just isn't the same without you...and I hate this new reality. I'm done trying. I'm done being brave. I just so badly want to be done with existing. Why can't I just leave like you did...it's not fair. 


I love you Alden. I designed the final customizations on your urn today. My mom inspired me to find a star trek sailing quote for the side of the urn. I think you'd have liked it. I'm also naming the boat forestwinks. Our together username....what we wanted to name our home in Morton. 


I hate this. So much. Doing all of this sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.

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