Letter to the World

 Dear Mother Earth/Father Time, 


Hi. I'm sure you know me. I'm Alicia. You know, the one who has freckles from our friend the sun all over her and some red hair from him as well. You remember me, I'm sure. 


Anyway, I'm writing to plead my case. You see, I am going to ask you to do something that you don't normally do. Something I'm sure you've heard from countless others in a similar situation as myself. However, I'd still like to give this a try. My grandad always said you never win any of the contests you don't enter. I'd like to think that the same principal applies here. 


What am I asking? I'll tell you, but before you answer please hear me out. I'm asking for time back. For me to step back in time and relive it again. 


Now wait, before you start with "you can't save him" or "it will still hurt just as much to loose him again", let me explain. 


I have a few options I'd like to offer. One is for me to go back to that first time Alden and I  "went out" on the fourth of July. I remember that day so well, how unsure of our friendship I was. How I seriously went furniture shopping with him that day. How we ended up watching a parade that night while talking. How we went to the movies after he hinted he was interested in me and I very much backpeddled because I hadn't ever thought of him that way. But I still sat through that movie wishing he'd try to hold my hand. If I could go back, I'd tell him right then and there how I felt. I'd take his hand at the movies, and choose the cuddle couch instead of the separate seats. I'd start "us" sooner. 


That's just option A. Option B is to take me back to our wedding day. It was such a wonderful day. My biggest worry was that Alden would over sleep (he loved to sleep) and miss his own wedding. He forgot his nice shoes, and ended up in his suit with his old tennis shoes on. There isn't much I'd change about that day...but if I could jump back to that day I'd savor every moment, every glance he made to me, everytime he mouthed his love for me. I'd have done that our whole marriage. I'd be slower to get frustrated with him. I'd not get frustrated that he needed so many hug breaks, but instead hold him tighter. I'd stand in his doorway, like I always did when I needed his attention, but instead I'd just watch him. I'd try to memorize every tiny detail of his face. I'd video our time together more. I loved finding ways to make him laugh, and I'd do that more...so I could easily bring up the memory of what it sounds like. I'd treasure him...and our relationship. Not that I didn't. I loved us. But I don't think I really appreciated it like I should have. Gosh would I do that now. He always knew I loved him, and I often told him how much I appreciated him. But I'd have made him feel it so much more. He deserved that. He was so good to me...and I never appreciated it enough. I'd like to try that over again. 


Or...if neither of those options are ok with you I do have an option C. It's not my favorite option, as it leaves a lot in question. But I'd like to go back to when we first met. Age 10 for the both of us. I'd like to go back and actually be friends with him. To get to know him back then, and see where that goes. Alden always told me we should have figured us out sooner, but in thr same breath he said it wouldn't have worked. That before we ended up together he wouldn't have know how special our relationship was. He wouldn't have know what he had found. However...I would get so much more time with him. I could be his friend and watch from the sidelines if need be. But I'd get to be near him for longer. I'd get to see him smile so many more times, hear him laugh and tell his silly jokes. If that means I don't get him as a husband...that would be hard, but if that's the price I have to pay to redo our childhood and be together with him through it, I'd do it. I've been told that Alden was his happiest his last 3 years because of me. But what if I could have made him happy from age 10? If he didn't end up loving me but was truly happy, and I got all that time with him...I'd do it. Because I love him. I love him so very much. Maybe I'd be able to be apart of so many more memories with him. 30 years of memories is so much more than 3.5. I'd give up being his if I had to...if I got to spend all that time with him. 


I'm not simply asking for him back. I know that's asking too much. I'm just asking for more time. I didn't get enough. I'd do things differently this time around. I've learned to not take him for granted. I just...just miss him so very much. If you could, for even one moment, be in my place and feel the depth of what I feel I know you'd grant me this desire. Even if I have to opt for my last resort option- option D...reliving the last month. Those last 21 days together. I'd make him that blasted cake. I'd hug him tight every moment I could. I'd treasure all the times he would call me while driving because he simply enjoyed talking to me. I'd have him write me notes, so I could have more things to treasure. I know we all go into this life knowing it's all temporary. But you always think you have more time. I'd redo that last month.. if I could only see him again. I've seen my future without him and I don't want it. I'd like to just find a quiet corner of the world and hide with him in it. I promise we won't cause any problems. I just need him...my very soul needs him.  


I hope you'll take my request under consideration. If I were to walk out of one room and into another from the past that would be fine. I'd walk into a space where he'd be there, and I could hear him calling to me again. That's all I'm asking for really, is to be near him again. It's a pretty simple request. 


My life has been not what I planned at all. I was supposed to be married a whole lot younger. I think I handled being single at 35 pretty well. As well as could be expected. I had a good job, great coworkers...I was looking to buy my first house. I had a great car. I was finding happiness. Then I found Alden...who offered me the life I had always dreamed of. Being married to someone who treasured me. Who texted me everyday to tell me he loved me. Who would always calm my fears or help me honestly become a better person. Who really helped me realize I am so much more than I always thought. Who accepted me for me, and didn't want anyone else but me. And I found out what it was liked to be really loved and deeply happy. Why did that have to end so soon? My world shattered when he left, and I am STILL picking up the pieces. I don't want to be a different person after this. I want to be the same happy wifey that Alden fell so in love with. I want him to still want to claim me in the eternities, regardless of what all I've been though. 


So yes, I'd like to ask for more time please. My situation is a little different than most, so please at least think about it. 


Your citizen, Alicia 

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