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 Gosh darn it Alden...how am I ever supposed to be ok with having lost you? How am I ever supposed to not lament the future we were supposed to have together? How am I not supposed to want to just scream at the injustice of it all? This sucks! 

I miss you...I miss us. I miss our everyday. I miss so many things. I have lost so much in losing you. 

I made a list before, and I think I'll make another of what I miss about not having you here. 

I miss hearing you chat with your coworkers and sharing a part of your life with them. Hearing you laugh or show off something you did...or share something I said. Listening to you encourage your people, chat with others and reward hard work. Hearing you just being the man everyone loved to work with...I heard it everyday, and I miss that. 

I miss having my person I could turn to about work drama. You were always...always there for me when I had a tricky situation. You helped me know what I should do or how to word something. You were my silent partner and I loved knowing I could lean on you for support. 

I miss how you would frustrate me...which sounds funny. But every single time you'd do something that would frustrate me, you would listen to my feedback. And every single time you would try to improve. You'd acknowledge if I had a valid point and really try to do better. You just honestly wanted to be the best you could be for me. And I miss that. I miss having someone in my life that cared so very much about making me happy and what I had to say. 

Speaking of frustrations...I miss how you could always melt me...you knew exactly what to say to make me smile or laugh even if I was upset. I remember one time, when we were just married, that I got home before you (as I often did). You had done something (I can't remember exactly what) and I was sitting there thinking about how I was going to give you a bad time about it. Then you called me on your walk home (literally across the street, but you always let me know when you were coming home) and made the frustration go away without me having to say a word. I remember sitting there and just being in awe at how you could do that. I even told you that it wasn't fair that you knew me so well. How can I be frustrated with someone who can make me laugh so easily? Who makes me feel so loved and appreciated?  Who I simply found to be the sweetest man? 

I miss how you knew my moods...and how best to help me. How one time, when I was still teaching, I came home super upset. You met me at the door and took my bags and told me to go take a relaxing shower. You told me you'd make dinner (spaghetti of course) and my job was to relax...I remember one rime I was angry about something and I went for a walk. You came and found me in the smart car and told me it was time for a drive instead. You then made me laugh in the car and just drove me around Buckley until I wasn't angry anymore. You were my hero Alden...so many times and in so many ways. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that. I never got the chance to thank you for always being my hero. You really were. Everyone needs rescued every so often, and you did that for me...and I never got the chance to tell you what that meant to me. 

I miss how you and I were pinky partners. How we would pinky swear that we would always work stuff out and not give up. How, if things got hard between us, we would just lock pinkies and remember our promise to eachother. We believed in us. We always did. 

I miss your jokes about paying for me to be your wife. How when we finally set a date you became obsessed with feeling like you needed to pay my father for me because I meant so much to you. It was even a joke you made to my dad at our wedding, that you'd pay him later... I told you about the biblical practice of paying with farm animals, and from then on you said you owed my dad goats. When you'd get frustrated with me or something I did you'd joke how you'd need to go to my dad and get your goats back. It always made both of us laugh. I love how we always found a way to laugh through our frustrations. 

I miss all of your little projects you'd do. There are so many unfinished things I find now...so many passions that you had and that you enjoyed pursuing. I miss how you really were a jack of all trades and knew about so many things. Carving, fishing, shooting, sailing, shooting, reloading, magic the gathering, creating...you had even wanted to get into epoxy and the raw wood trend. You were so good at looking up how to do something and then just doing it. 

I miss coming home and seeing you on the couch watching Star Trek. Every time. And how I would chat with you about the episode, because I loved it too, and you and I would end up watching it together then. 

I miss looking over and seeing you next to me. We just loved being together...occupying the same space. We could be doing something together or not,  as long as we were together. We just liked each other. And I miss that...it's something I never thought I'd find. It only worked for me because it was you...Alden Lavin. The guy I've known forever. The one I never had feelings for. The guy who dated most of my friends, or my friends wanted to date him. The one who would come chat with my dad, who hung out with my brother and sister. Who thought I was full of myself, haha. Only because it was this man could I find myself capable of falling in love with him. We already had so much common ground...and we just clicked. We often joked that so many things lined up that made us able to be together. It bothered you that something tiny would have made it so we never connected. You said it had never been like that for you before, and we both felt like we were meant to be. We were supposed to fall in love and find this bit of happiness...

The next bit is just hard to say. If we were meant to be together then I was meant to be your wife for the rest of your life. Then I was supposed to be your last chapter...even if that chapter didn't last as long as we thought it would. I hate thinking like that though. I mean, I know I made you happy. I know you love me as much as I love you. But I'm not as strong as you are. You would be so much better at this than I am. I need you to feel whole again...and I think it sucks that I'm still here and you are not. It sucks a lot. 

I know my bishop told me you are waiting for me. That the Lord is aware of my pain and my struggles. That he had seen this and made a plan for me for it. Gosh Alden...I lost it crying when he mentioned you. He said "your loving husband" and I broke down in tears. And when he said you were waiting for me...I sobbed. I know you are. I know you're there waiting for me to join you. That I'm loved. But it's still hard. It's hard to not want something to be wrong with me so I could join you sooner. To not dread every event I have to go to without you. To not just want to cry all the freaking time because I miss you so much. I don't even know how to sign cards anymore. It's an odd thing...but it's a new stress. Signing just my name feels so...wrong. And yet, I couldn't sign your name. Not only would people find it odd but I always had you sign your own name. I just left the spot for you. So now...I don't know what to do. It seems to represent my freaking life...

Anyway...it's late. I should go to sleep. I love you (I'm hearing you say "you too" as you often did) and I hope you know you are always in my heart. Always. 

Your wifey, 

Alicia