Sucks

 You wanna know what sucks...besides everything about this? It sucks that you are a memory. That me being married is a memory. That the 3 years we had together are just a memory. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful we had lots of memories. We did so much together in those 3 years. We lived! And I'm so grateful for that. It just sucks that now it's all just a bunch of memories. I hate we aren't still making more. We didn't plan for this...at all. We didn't discuss what life would be like. We planned for the opposite, in fact. We talked about what our 10 year plan was. We dreamed about you retiring. We had so many plans, so many trips, so many everything's. And now those talks are just a memory. And that sucks. 


I freaking want my life back. I want to go back to March and do it again. I want to engrave in my mind every last detail of you...I don't want to ever forget any part of you. I don't want the memory of our love...our life together...to fade. 


I was watching west wing tonight. It was the episode where CJ is talking to her dad and seeing how bad his alhimerzers really is. And the doctor tells him that being alone isn't good...and I sit there and think, no kidding. Alden, I would have been there for you. I would have been everything you ever needed had any ailment of old age taken you. I remember how you were touched about how I cared for you when you had covid. Even though I was sick, I still made sure you were cared for. It was my job. I always felt that way...it's why I felt, and still feel like I failed you that morning. That my job was to take care of you and I failed...and now I'm alone...and thats not good. 


Gosh this sucks! I cannot go a day without crying. I cannot go a moment without wanting to fall to my knees and beg for you to come back. I know it's pointless, but it's all I want to do. I want my husband back. I want to apologize for anything I did that caused this to happen. I will atone for whatever is needed. Just please give him back. Please. I don't want this life. I don't want any part of it. I don't want just memories. I want Alden...with all his flaws and his idiosyncrasies. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice and see his arms and just be with him again. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to turn 40 without him. I hate that all I have are my memories...


I'm just so tired. I'm tired of waking up every morning and going to bed every night with a headache. I'm tired of putting on a happy face so they don't want to put me on drugs. I'm tired of being in an empty house on a Sunday afternoon with nothing to do but sit on our couch alone and watch tv...alone. I'm tired of fighting the battles in my mind every day. I'm just tired...of wishing for the past, and grieving the time that has gone past without you. I'm so very tired of it all. 


And this all sucks. I hate that we are a memory. You are my forever, Alden. And when I talk about you I still use current tense...without even thinking about it...and I don't care. You are still my husband. You always will be. It just sucks that I have to wait until I'm back with my husband again. It sucks a lot. 

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