Yesterday

 Dear Alden, 

Yesterday was all about you. I invited James, your dad and my brother all down to Morton to shoot and tell stories. I had been a little worried about how it would go, as I had invited Matt and Wayne down last week and everything was so overgrown. You would have been sad to see it like it was. You couldn't see any sort of path or the range. But, as you often said, we have wonderful neighbors there. Earlier this week I saw Toni on a riding lawn mower, mowing our property and the path down to the range. John had mowed the range for me as well. They truly are so very kind. 

The day started early- we planned to meet up at 10am, so that meant leaving by 8:30. I picked Jon up in my new truck - you'd like it I think- and we headed down. We got to the house right on time. I opened up the safe and Jon helped me find my gun. While he was going through your guns James pulled up. Alden, he had stories for almost every gun. He could tell us about shooting or how you got the gun. Then your dad showed up...and he knew even more. Who would have thought that guns had so many stories? So many memories wrapped up in that metal. Jon even remembered some, and said he remembered you talking about others. James even had a story for my M1. How happy you were with my pick. 

 Your dad took a gun yesterday. One he said he gave you after he traded a canoe for it. He told me what gun was Nelson's and I guess there is one your mom may want back. It's a beautiful shot gun that was her father's. I told James he could have a gun. The only thing you ever told me about if something were to happen to you was that James was to get a gun. I'm pretty sure you were specific on what gun...but I don't remember. So I told him he could have something that made him think of you. He didn't take any yesterday though. I also figure my dad and Jon can have one to remember you by. The rest are stating with me. You know, I will not sell a single gun. Even if I don't shoot them I plan to keep all the rest. How could I possibly sell them? Your mom wants me to. But I promised you I wouldn't. How could I? I often threatened that I'd open the safe and sell every one if you died doing something stupid. Your hurt face when I'd say that...and you'd ask why I'd do that with such a sadness in your eyes...Alden, you didn't leave me because you were being reckless. I will honor that agreement. The guns will stay with me. I will make sure those stories are safe and don't go anywhere. I know you don't care anymore...but part of me hates that you don't. Guns were so important to you. Everything of value was measured in guns. So I'm going to keep that part of you with me. I'll never let that part go. 

Anyway, after we did find my gun (you stored in in 2 pieces), Jon grabbed a couple and some ammo for us to shoot. Your dad and James had gone down before us so your dad could chainsaw a tree that had fallen across the path. 

We all met down at the range/gazebo. It was nice. We had chairs for everyone and we all took turns shooting. Your dad even shot his pistol that he brought. It was one you sold to him while you were in college. I guess you figured you'd always get it back...that was hard to hear. But in between shooting we all told stories about you. So many stories. I heard stories about fishing. Stories about shooting. Stories about you being a kid. Stories about you and James. Computer stories. It was so nice. John the neighbor stopped by for a moment and listened to stories too. I told them about your dream of owning a tank or even just an armored vehicle. They all laughed at the idea of you taking it into town for me to go grocery shopping. I guess you hadn't told them that before. 

I shot my AR. I actually didn't do bad...but I shot off the chain. It made the plate spin, and your dad was impressed I could hit it even though it was moving. You would have been proud. Gosh I miss how proud you would get of me. 

After a bit your dad and I went back to the house to replace the battery on the golf. When he did that I started looking in a box on the shelf there in the garage. That made me cry. It was full of bathroom things. I'm sure you had just grabbed stuff from Federal Way and stuff in the bathroom there had just ended up in this box. There was even cologne. It looked basically brand new...but I had no idea you ever wore cologne. It doesn't seem like you. That's why I cried. This box was full of things that were yours and I didn't even get a chance to ask you about different parts of you. I was still learning things about you. And I loved learning things that made you who you were. But now I'm just left with a mystery. Was it a gift from a girlfriend who didn't know you weren't a cologne guy? So you tried it once for then and it just sat on a shelf? Or did you used to wear cologne and you got out of the habbit? I'll never know. And that sucks. 

Your dad had no idea I got emotional, don't worry. He was able to get the old battery out and swap it with the new one I bought. The car started right up then. After clearing all the error codes I took it for a drive. Alden, now I know why you enjoyed driving that car. I know why you were afraid of getting a large ticket while driving it. That car likes to go fast. It made me laugh. I'd like to think you rode with me on that first little drive. You would have enjoyed seeing me enjoy your car. 

After returning back to the house, your dad decided to head back home. I gave him a hug and thanked him for all his help. He was a big help, doing so many things. I know he likes to help. And I sincerely appreciate it. 

After your dad left I grabbed my bow and went down to the range. James set up some targets and helped me sight in my bow. Jon went up to the house to try and figure out the starlink. He said we will need a hole in the house. I wish you were here to solve that problem...I don't know what would be best on that front. 

After shooting my bow and talking to Jon, I took everyone out to dinner at the BBQ place in town. James loved it, as did Jon. 

Gosh it was hard to be there though. I just kept thinking about the last time we were there. How we sat across from eachother and really enjoyed the ribs. How we bragged to my parents about how good it was. How I drove down to get you that last time...and how glad I am that I asked to spend some time snuggling and watching TV before going back to Buckley. How you greeted me on the front porch when I drove up because you were excited to see me. Memories can hurt...and that last time I was with you in Morton is a hard one for me. We had no idea it would be our last time there together....or your last time there at all. And simple bbq brings that all back for me. And I miss you...I miss us. I miss my other half...my best friend...my biggest cheerleader. 

I'm tired of being like this....having this undercurrent of sadness. I laughed yesterday, a lot. So many good stories...but I couldn't fully enjoy it because I wished you were there. I wished I could hear you laughing too, and hear your side of the memories. I just keep dreaming that one day you'll show up somewhere. That you'll come to our house in Buckley, and knock on the door. That someone besides me will answer it and I'll hear your voice asking "is Alicia around?" And I'll fall to my knees...I know I would. I'd fall to my knees in tears of joy because you would be back. That you'd come to me and wrap me in your arms and say in my ear how much you missed me and how sorry you were that I was so sad. No other explanations. I wouldn't care. It wouldn't matter...you were back where you belonged, with me. My heart wishes for that, but my mind knows it's not real. 

My counselor tells me that I was shattered that morning you passed away. A part of me went with you. Part of me is trying to be strong and another part of me want to give in to how hopeless I feel. I'm at war in my mind every day, every moment...over who gets control. It sucks. I hate this me. 

I love you Alden Lavin. I always always will. It doesn't matter if other people tell me stories of how different you were in the past. It never will matter. I told you that I accepted you for you and I meant it. The man I love, the one I married, that's who I love. His past is part of that, true. But he changed. Anyone who really knew him knew he changed. And that is admirable, and I'll always love that man that I fell in love with. Always.