Marriage

 Dear Alden, 


Hi. I'm really having a hard week without you this week. Lots of reasons why, really. Seeing a part of you leave when someone takes something of yours because they want to give it to someone else now, doing things you would have enjoyed without you, fighting to get your estate settled, getting my hair done and you not texting me to wonder if I'm ever coming home...all of it culminates into a rough week. I had no idea that little things like that, things that really shouldn't be a big deal, would add up and make it a hard week. 


I struggle, every day, with how hard it is. I hate this person that I have become. I'm quick to anger. I get emotional at EVERYTHING. I get so easily overwhelmed. I'm sad, all the time. I have to try and be in a moment and not just enjoy things without any effort. This isn't me. You'd be asking me where your happy wifey is. You'd remind me that I'm loved and supported. You'd listen to me complain about things and you'd try to help solve all of my problems. When I get overwhelmed I still hear you in my head. I hear you reminding me to breathe. I hear you saying that I can only handle 3 things to stress about at once. I hear you asking what my 3 things are. I'd say them and you'd say "the rest I'll take care of." But I don't have you to take care of them anymore...it's all on me...and it's hard to not be so overwhelmed. Right now 3 things is a lot for me. I'm lucky if 1 doesn't do me in... 


You remember when you and I finally went and ordered my ring? It was like something changed in you from then on. You were like you were on cloud 9. There was one night, in particular, that I remember. You and I were in Morton. You had started a fire and I was sitting in my chair enjoying it. You were walking away to get some more paper to burn. As you walked away you were talking to yourself. I heard you saying "gotta keep my wifey warm! My future wifey needs her fire! Ha! Future wifey!" Then on your way back, with a bug grin on your face, you said "how's my future wifey?" Like you were so proud to have come up with calling me that. I was over the moon hearing it from you too. 


Remember how we used to joke about what having a spouse meant? It meant that when you had that hard to reach itch that you'd have someone to scratch it for you. It meant that when you were stranded without toilet paper that you could call for help and you'd not be stuck. It meant that when you were late coming home that someone would notice and make sure you were ok...


Alden, you were such a good hubby. You were my best friend. Truly. I always knew you were simply wanting the best for me and for me to be safe and cared for. I can't count the number of times when I've been overwhelmed or sad or frustrated that you'd swoop in and save the day. But now...now my back itches and I will have to buy a back scratcher. Now when I'm stranded on the toilet I am simply stranded. Now when I'm out and about I don't have someone to tell where all I'm going, and how long I'll be...someone to know if they should be worried about me. 


It's just not fair. Everyone says it was such a blessing that I was here for you. That you weren't alone. I was here with you the whole time. But what at me? I was always the one who told you I was afraid to die alone. I made you promise that I wouldn't. Who's going to be there for me now? I'm alone, Alden...and it's so very hard. You showed me how much better life is when you're not alone...and then you leave me. It freaking sucks. 


In other news, I am decorating the man cave. You wouldn't ever let me before. So now I'm making it a college. A homage of you, really. Like what I did in my office. Things you love and enjoy. Annoying people may call it a shrine. It's not. It's nothing different than what I'd do if you were here and would have let me do it. Maybe I'd have done it in your office before...but still. If it's a shrine then my wall is a shrine to myself. Whatever. I'm enjoying putting it together. It's you. And I kind of like you. 


I love you, so very very much. I hate having to do this without you. You were my rock and now I'm left floating alone without you here to ground me and keep me safe. Maybe a shark will eat me and end this. That would be nice. 

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