Morton Today

  Dear Alden, 

I came down to Morton today. I wanted to water the plants and to plant some wildflowers. I let another person come and get firewood. I told you I could get that big pile to be gone. It's not gone yet, but I'm working on it. 

The ac unit is leaking in the house again. I can't find a receipt from when you got it fixed the first time, so I'll have to pay someone else to come look at it. I had a bunch of the property cleared and mowed. There were a ton of baby alders growing right next to the house. Those are gone now. I also had the blackberries taken out between the trees lining the driveway. It looks so much better...we should have done that a long time ago. I need to find a permanent solution so they don't grow back though. I also redecorated our bedroom. I actually really love it. It's forest themed. It feels so much more warm and cozy now. I just need sheers and window shades. I think you would have loved it too. I plan to make my office here into another bedroom and move my computer and desk upstairs. That room will be mountain themed. I have some fun ideas for it. I even rearranged the kitchen! Things make so much more sense now. 

As much as I am enjoying fixing the place up...doing what we should have done long ago but we're too lazy/had too much wrapped up in things (haha), I ache for you. I want you to be here, and see the changes I've made. You would have had a hard time with them...this was your giant man cave. Aldens restaurant. But if you could have let go of your anxiety, even enough to give me some time to some of the things...I think you would have loved what I've done so far. I know I'm proud of it. And you always did like what I did design wise. 

As I drove here I was listening to the radio. I figured I might as well get used to the music again. It's hard for people to ride with me when I don't have any on. But I was only in the truck for a moment before I hated it. Every song is different now. My perspective has changed so much. I hear loss and heartache is so many of the lyrics. For example - 

"You've been on this road too long

Hearing music but it's not your song

Wanna scream but your voice is gone

Days trapped inside your head

Can't look up 'cause your world is down

Walking miles, staring at the ground

All alone inside the crowd

Letting pockets hold your hand

But the sun is always there to shine

The clouds block out the sky

Oh, hold on

Just one more day

Hold on

You know you'll find a way

Hold on" 

Good crap, I didn't realize that was such a sad song! Then this song came on - 

"She sits alone by a lamp post

Tryin' to find the thought that's escaped her mind

She says, "Dad's the one I love the most

But Stipe's not far behind

And just let her cry if the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing if it eases all her pain

Let her go, let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be, let her be"

See, another sad song. Then freaking "Pony" came on...and all I could do is let the tears fall down my cheeks. I will always and forever think of you when I hear that song. All the laughs we had when we heard it. So many good and happy memories tied to that song. 

Then this song came on- 

"Now as I lay me down to sleep 

This I pray

That you will hold me dear

Though I'm far away

I'll whisper your name

Into the sky

And I will wake up happy" 

That's what I do, Alden. Every night. I pray you will hold me...and I wisper your name, hoping I can wake up happy. 

So yes...music has a depth to it now... something that I realize before. I l9ve music, enjoyed singing along. You knew that. My happiest times were singing in the car. I loved when you'd join me. And now...now I don't sing along...I listen to the words and find a different meaning. But life will do that to you. 

Anyway...so yeah. I miss you. The joy and purpose in my life is gone without you here. It sounds melodramatic to write that, but that is what it feels like. When I married you my purpose was defined. I found joy easily in so many things. And now...now I have to look for both of those things. Purpose and joy. And it's hard. 

I lose my crap so easily now. One thing goes wrong and I'm on the edge. Throw in someone texting me questions or needing something from me and I'm gone. Lost to wanting to curl into a ball. Wanting to throw in the towel and call it all quits. Stupid silly things...things that are no big deal...and I'm falling a part from them. I'm a mess. A broken, shattered version of myself. Someone people don't even want to hang out with because I'm depressing. I live my life daring the world to do its worst to me. Covid is getting worse? Thats cool. Maybe this time it will kill me. I should take vitamins?  Meh. That will just prolong my life. Not looking for that. My head hurts all the time...no mess will help it. I've gained water weight. Maybe I'm having a kidney issue...maybe I should talk to my doctor about it? Nah. I meet with him next month. I'll mention it then. Not worth making a big thing of. I'm not being actively wreckless...but passively...if something kills me...I'm ok with that. I'm just so done with being here...being this me. I hate it. I hate it so so much. And the only way to quit is suiside...which sadly I'm against. Honestly, if I didn't have my beliefs...I don't think I'd still be here. I have lost my will to care though. That part of me died with you. I was not built to be this person. I silently suffer...and feeling this way is part of that. No one knows this. Not really. I tried to explain it to Matt the other day...but it's hard to understand. He was able to get it in part. 

Bah...why can't you just be here? Why can't I at least feel you? Why can't I feel some sort of comfort? I have no peace. Nothing that can quiet the constant sadness in myself. Nothing that tells me that your still here...with me...just unseen. I believe the church is true. With my whole heart. I always have. Christ was who he said he was. Joseph Smith had no reason to make up what he saw and learned. There were even witnesses who never denied what they saw, even when it would have been easy to do so. Joseph Smith wasn't perfect, but he was a prophet of God, and that I know. I know I will see you again. I heard the words of President Nelson, when he said you were as close as another room. I've heard Elder Holland talk about how we are surrounded by hosts of angels, supporting us. I believe all of these things. In my core I believe them. And yet...I cannot find peace. I cannot seem to feel you,feel that you haven't left me alone. I know you love me...I know that. As much as I know the church is true. I know my bishop said my "loving husband is there, waiting for me". I know that's true. That you're waiting to be with me again. That you didn't dissappear into darkness as you had believed. And yet...I feel nothing. I feel spiritually dead...and I don't know why. 

I miss being called wifey and wiffles. I miss you calling out to me when you don't know where I am. Asking if I'm a gp. Wondering when I'll be home. Making sure I'm safe. Being my support on everything. I am still very much married to you...my husband is just on the other side, waiting for me. And it's hard....so hard...to be here without him.