Dearest

 My dearest Alden, 


So much time has slipped through my fingers since you've been gone. So many things I wish I didn't understand but now do. So many thoughts I had never experienced before now. So many regrets and so much heartache. 

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's supposed to just mean that being apart makes you miss something so that when you get it or them again you have painted this perfect picture in your mind and it's hard to shake that. Well, in my case, I can't say I've grown fonder of you. But I can say that I look back with so much regret...so many things that I could have done better. I used to tell you what a good husband you were. How much I appreciated you and how you were good for me. I would get frustrated with you every time I told you that, though. Only because you could never take the compliment. You'd tell me to remember the words I was saying the next time I was frustrated with you. I told you that I wished you could just accept my words foe what they were - a true explanation of my gratitude. So you tried. I have a wonderful memory of me telling you how very much I loved you and you just looking up at me, with your beautiful brown eyes, and smiling. All you said that time was "oh yeah?" I am so grateful I have that memory. 

I deal with so much because I lost you. So many things I wished I had done better. Did you know that one of your ex girlfriends reached out and blamed me for your death? She seriously said that had you been with her you'd probably still be alive. That she is mad at me because she is sure I could have done more. Now, I know what you'd say. You'd ask me why I even talked to her. You would want to know why I care what she thinks. But, it's hard when she speaks to my own fears. What no one seems to quite understand is that I would give literally...and I mean literally...everything and anything to have saved you that morning. I have had some say I acted like a hero when I did what I did. How could that be? A hero saves their person. I wasn't even understanding that I was going to loose you. There are so many feelings and thoughts I have about that morning that are so confusing to me. So many things that go around in my mind. I feel like I failed you. My person, my one who I love the most...I should have been able to save you. I had 1 job...and I failed at it. My heart breaks at the thought. To even imply I could have saved you...that I could have done more...I would have traded you in an instant. In my game- the sims- when a character dies you can plead with the grim reaper. You can fall to you knees and beg for him to let the Sim live. Had I gotten the chance, I would have done that. If a soul had to be taken that morning why couldn't it have been mine? But I know it doesn't work like that. 

I'm not sure if I've told you about the weird feeling of familiarity I had that morning. When I saw you collapse, my first thought was that your leg gave out. That you'd be embarrassed, and that it was because of metal in your ankle. I even told people that morning that I thought that. I could still, in this very moment, swear that you had fallen before. That seeing you, unconscious in my arms, was something I had seen before. It all felt very familiar. And yet...that had never happened...I had never seen your ankle give out. It hurt sometimes, but never failed you. I had never seen you unconscious, ever. But it's part of why I reacted like I did. I didn't understand. I was so very confused. I thought you'd wake up and we would deal with whatever happened. I never, in a million years, thought I was saying goodbye. That I was watching you breathe your last breathes. I should have been better for you...

To think it's been 5 months...5 months ago I awoke to a nightmare. I made early morning calls and fell to my knees in prayer and pleading. My counselor says I shouldn't think of the past like that. How can I move forward when I keep thinking of the past...and better days. I am just so tired. So tired of crying. Tired of missing you. Tired of forcing my mind to bring up your voice...because actually listening to it hurts too much. Tired of being the one with this new perspective...the fragility of life. How things can change in an instant. To savor every moment and have no regrets. It's just hard. It has become hard to live. Every paper that I sign because of having lost you...every time I want to share news of things with you...every time someone kind reaches out to me to check on me...I am reminded of my loss. That I had found my forever and now he's not here anymore. And it's hard...and tiring. 

Part of me is grateful - I struggle and I cry...but I am not mad at God. I had a fleeting moment where I was...the morning I lost you...but as fast as I felt it, it was gone. I know that life is temporary. That we all must die. As I have heard it said "we all live to die and we die to live." And it's true. It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make me ok with loosing thr love of my life. It does make me wish I could have argued your case a bit though. What would it have hurt to have had a bit more time? You were teaching me things...life lessons, and I wasn't done learning from you yet. And yet...a part of me know that answer...there is never enough time. If I had lost you at 3 or 30 years of marriage I would still feel the same. I would have still wished for more. 

I'm rambling. Sorry. 

This life is hard. But hard doesn't seem to even begin to describe it. Hard is a test that makes you really think. A puzzle that challenges you. This...this is so much more. It's worrying that your memories will feel more like a dream than reality. That maybe you've moved on and found someone else on the other side (although even your dad says that's not likely). It's pleadings each night that I'll see you in my dreams and waking each morning to the reminder that you're not here anymore. It's missing the small things and the big ones. It's not being able to look to far into the future. It's also having a broken heart....but it's worse than broken. Part of it is missing. And it's wondering why I am left behind...and without the one I love. 

5 months...I'm not sure I will ever not count the time since I've been without you. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

beginning

Hi.  I suppose I should start by introducing myself. It's hard to imagine what is to follow without some sort of description of who's perspective you're reading from.  My name is Alicia.  It's pronounced ah-lee-sha. I actually really love my name. My mom had heard it many years before she had me. It has always been very me. And although lots of people say it wrong or spell it wrong, it's my name and I love it.  The next thing you should know about me is that I have freckles. Lots of them. My arms, face...whole body is covered in them. I also have brown hair with natural red highlights.  My eyes are what I have been told are quite unique - brown with green mixed in. Hazel by definition.  The rest of me is quite average. Nothing overly special. Maybe a bit over weight. I easily melt into any crowd. If you were to pass me on the street, there would be nothing about me to make you take notice.  It's been a personal joke of mine that I could walk around wit...
Read more

Morning

  My dear husband, I woke up this morning in tears, calling out your name. Even in my dreams, I miss you....I miss us. When I awoke, I realized that I have so many questions for you. So many things I wish you could answer.... Who was there to greet you when you passed? Was it your grandfather that you were so close to? Did you turn back to see me at any point when you were leaving? Did you watch as I tried to save you? Were you the reason I didn't panic? Were you there, giving me a hug while I did the unimaginable to the person I loved? Helping me do everything I could so that I wouldn't regret not doing more? What have you been doing these last 6 months? I know that learning continues, so I would imagine you are learning new things all the time. Have you met my family? My aunt you never knew, and my grandparents from both of my sides? You knew my uncle, you and he got along great. I'm sure you two have had many conversations now.  Is it terrible that I wonder if you miss m...
Read more

What you love

 Have you ever sat down and thought about what it is you love about someone? What little pieces of them make them unique and special to you. The little things that when added up equal that person.  Today I was sitting in Aldens office, in my chair just behind his computer chair. A spot the cat would often sit. I haven't had the strength or desire to change a thing in that space. The only difference is that a photo of him now sits where is monitor was. The rest is unchanged. His socks still sit on the chair. A shirt I had looked everywhere for is sitting beside his desk. There are noted and paperwork scattered across the surface of the desk. The desk that he and I peace together during a time when ikea desks were hard to come by. We made 3 of them. Nice long desks.  As I sit here I see so many parts of him. So many little things that I realize I will never hear or see again in this life. The socks, for example. I have so many sock stories. He and I used to joke that wearin...
Read more