Headaches

  Dear Mother Earth and Father Time, 


Hi. It's me again. I know. I feel like you have been hearing from me a lot too. Sorry about that. I'm just trying to figure this out, and I just am having some struggles that I'm looking for some help with. 


I keep getting these headaches. Horrible headaches that just are incessant and never go away. Pain killers help, but nothing is making them go away. I talk to my doctor about them. He's convinced they are tension, and thus brought on by stress. He wants me to lower my stress level. I actually get that from so many people. My counselor, my doctor, my family...everyone says I need to lower my stress levels. But what no one seems to understand is that I lost my person. The one human who helped me sort through any of the crap I have to accomplish and helped make sure things got done. But I lost him....and now I will put down my phone and walk 5 feet away and cannot remember what I did with my phone. I am told 1 thing to do and I write down a reminder only to come back to the note and not know what I was supposed to do. I have a business to run, and I am throwing myself into it and I know I'm using it as a crutch. And my job isn't without its own built in stresses...I deal with brides. I am told to back off on it...but I am now solely responsible for all the bills. I don't have my job as bonus income anymore...it's my only income. So I can't back off...I can't cut down on my stress. How do you do what cannot be done? And so, they tell me to try all sorts of fixes. But nothing works. The headaches remain. The stress of simply existing and being very aware of my shortcomings is still here. Stress = headaches. Headaches = more stress because it makes tasks harder. It's a horrible cycle...and it's exhausting.


Along with that stress is silly little things that I just cannot bring myself to do. For example- Alden ordered new water filters for our pitcher. The box came with the filters the day I lost him...and it simply sits in my entry. Unopened. With the other boxes that came that day. I know it's a silly thing...but I can't seem to open any of those boxes. So they sit there...there is also this giant box in my garage. I need to break it down to be recycled. It had been left in the garage for too long and when I moved it I found a whole family of spiders living in it. Alden was my spider hero. He took care of those things for me. And I feel silly asking for help with a dumb box. So...it sits in mt garage. Mocking me everytime I walk out there. It's hard to know these things are silly and still not have the strength to do anything about it....


So the headaches remain. No pill helps take away my loss. 


I'm struggling. My counselor says I'm pretty much par for the course as far as my healing goes. It's difficult because of the PTSD. I have extreme moods. I can go from being ok to being very much not in no time at all. She says that's more the PTSD than the grief though. But that whole mess of emotions doesn't make this any easier. 


I guess im just writing to you because I don't know where else to turn. I read in the Bible about Job and how it was ok for him to ask God why these terrible things had to happen to him. Then I read Psalms and the pleadings to the Lord about feeling so alone. So forsaken and lost. Feeling as if they have given all they can give and I understand them both. I am at my limit...and like Job I want to know why. Why was I given him so I could lose him? Why couldn't we have had more time? Why do I struggle and want to scream at the fact that I'm making it through all of these firsts without him...when the very thought of any firsts without him cuts me to my very core? Why does this hurt so much...I have never known such pain. Why can I not find any peace? Why am I still here...why wasn't it me you took? He would have handled things so much better than I am. He was the strong one. He was my hero. I was the one who needed him. He gave me something I didn't even know I needed...


And like Job I know it's ok to have these questions in my heart. It's just so freaking hard to not have the answers. 


I just...feel like I am adrift in a sea. I've written about it before, but there is really no better way to describe it. I used to know what I was doing, where I was going. I had future plans. Now I struggle to plan things 2 weeks out. I am a mess. I'm lost and feel as if I have no purpose. In one moment my calendar was full of fun adventures and dinner dates...and plans with my husband...my partner...my best friend who wanted to find more ways to spend time with me. The next...all those things are gone...and I don't know what to do with my life now...


I guess I'm just writing to appeal to the fact that you're parents. Any parent...seeing a child suffer would want to help if they can. So, I'm asking for help. Waving my flag and saying I'm at my limit. The headaches, the stress, the things that need done, the memory problems...all of it don't make any of this any easier. I have given all I can give. You have taken half of my heart and given me so much I have to fight to even care about. And...I just want to let you know that if you can...maybe...not send anything else my way it would be appreciated. I think you can understand why I ask. 


Thank you for reading this. I hope you'll take my request under consideration. I realize I may have asked for too much last time. I'm hoping this request has a better chance to be granted. 


Your daughter, Alicia 

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