Missing

Most of the time, now, I can go about my day and not think about how you're not here. About how you're not in the office next to mine and I can't hear your voice. I can work, walk around the house, have workers come and go...sometimes even laugh...but I cannot let my mind slip into the past at all. 


When I lay down in our bed to sleep, I'm ok. I have done that without you before. But when I lay down to play a game...my heart drops. My player 2 isn't here to join me. He isn't here to simply lay next to me and game. And then when Nintendo updates that game...the one you played mear hours before you left this world...when that game pops up I always tear up. I should have played with you that night. I didn't know it was my last chance. You were so happy you did so well at it that night, remember? I told everyone that morning about your high score. 


And then when I think about you...about our life together...it also hurts. To talk about my husband and know it should be in the past tense. I was chatting about cars the other day and you would have been so proud of me. I thought of all the things you taught me about cars and about horsepower. I kept saying how my husband wanted to go see a supra or the new brz. And I was wishing you were there to laugh about ideas we were having for the deck in Morton. You would have thought they were great. 


I still cannot watch our trash TV shows. Without you they aren't nearly as fun. I miss the silly talks we would have about twenty-somethings and their drama. How we would joke about who would end up with who. To watch them alone just isn't the same...


And part of me feels guilty...guilty because part of this loss makes me selfish. I Haye being alone. I didn't know how much better life would be with a partner. And you showed me how happy I could be. And the selfish part of me wants to say how unfair that is. How I miss silly things like the feel of your hands or the feeling of sleeping next to someone. I hate that I think about how much longer I could live and dread being without my person so very long...and being without those things. Selfish because that's more about me than it is about you. And I feel guilty for even thinking like that. 


I like to imagine you giving me a hug when I'm having my hard times. One of your famous hugs that I used to joke I could hire out. Your arms wrapped around me trying to comfort me as much as you can from your side. It brings me a sort of peace to think like that. To remember you go on. That you're there, trying to still be my hero and do what you can to continue to take care of me...like you said you always would. 


I realized something yesterday. Yesterday I had to go to the ER. Turns out I am allergic to something that made my tongue swell and made it hard to breathe.  They had to give me an epi shot. And as I laid there, in the doctor's office, I thought of you. I thought of how much I love you and how I have felt indifferent about so many things lately. And yet, I realized that I wanted you to see me trying. You would want me to make sure I do whatever is needed to be ok. That you'd not want me to just give up. But my goodness I wished you were there...to hold my hand. To lend me your strength. You hated hospitals, but you were still always there for me if I needed one. 


I know you'd want me to keep trying, to not be so sad. But I miss you. I say that a lot. It doesn't even begin to explain this longing I have though. To be by your side again. To hear your gentle laugh and snuggle into your arms. To have you here to help calm me. 


I love you Alden Lavin. I love you with a love that will continue on for eternity. We will one day be reunited. I know that. I know that from the depths of my soul. And although I hate the waiting...the longing to be next to you again...I know that this part won't last forever. The being with you again will. And how lucky I am that I will forever be Alden's Alicia? 


Pretty lucky I'd say. 


Until next I write- 


Alicia

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