What Grief is Like

 I am often asked how I'm doing. I try to not be too honest in my answer, which is progress. I keep it to things like - "not bad" or "good for now" or even "I'm ok".  When I feel like being more honest I'll say "I'm taking things one day at a time." I've reached the point where people are ok that I am still grieving. You can tell, in reactions and questions, that they want to hear that I'm doing better, and they want me to be happy again. It comes from a place of caring, I know that. And I am better than that first day...that first week or even that first month. I can look at things a week or 2 out and not be overwhelmed. I'm healing...but I am also really good at not letting people know how hard it still is. Just don't give me too long of a hug. Don't linger too long and put too much sincerity in your questions. Youll see me crack then. My facade breaks and the tears will flow....

I guess losing a spouse is hard to really understand. It's impossible to imagine what its like to loose the love of your life, really. Why would you even think about it further than thinking that you don't want to think about it? But if you'd like to get a little glimpse...a small idea of what this is like for me...I figured out a good comparison. 

Imagine you were driving along, singing along to your favorite tune on the radio. All of a sudden something hits your car. You black out and when you wake up you find out that your missing one of your arms. Imagine the shock you'd go through. The denial. Feeling like you woke up in a nightmare. Wanting to find someone to tell you this is all a sick joke. You were fine. You were driving your car and happy! On your way to your favorite place! How could this happen? Now imagine that your family and friends surround you, show you an outpouring of support and love. It helps a little. You still don't have your arm, but people are around to help. It's a little easier when you're not alone. But time goes on. People have to go back to their own lives. But you are still unchanged. You still no longer have an arm. You have to relearn everything. Imagine how often you'd want to quit. To give up even trying. How often you'd rather just sink into tears and cry about how this new life sucks. How you never wanted to learn how to life without your arm. How little things would frustrate you, when before they were simple. Imagine how much your life would change...some friends no longer want to see you anymore. They can't handle the reminder that they too could have the same thing happen to them. Some might have been only friends with you because you were no different than them. Now you're different. So you loose friends. You loose the self you had known your whole life. You have to reinvent a new you that has adapted to this huge change. And sometimes...sometimes you find yourself in the darkest lows you ever had because of those moments, those changes. The times when it all comes crashing back to you. You remember having 2 arms...2 hands...and how good your life was. You long for that again...but you can't regrow an arm. And so, you start to heal. The open wound heals a bit after some time. You start to be able to navigate this new life. Sometimes you'll even have good days. You'll almost forget you lost your arm. Then something will happen.. you'll go to reach for something or you'll want to do something that requires both hands...and you remember again. Like reality has smacked you in the face. Like it's saying "hey you. Don't forget you lost your arm." And it is like the scab was ripped off and you're back at day 1. And it's frustrating. Every day is a struggle. But you keep trying. You keep getting out of bed. Because under that scab the wound isn't as big as it was. Every time it tears off the wound is a little smaller. And that helps. But your life will never be the same. You will always be without your arm. You'll adapt, but you'll always wish you still had it. Just like you'll wish you could go back and change things so you never lost it in the first place. And somedays it will hurt...even though it's gone...and thats hard for anyone to even understand...

That's what I came up with to maybe help others get a tiny idea of what this grief is like. But there is so much more to it than that...

Anyway...that is what wanted to share. I'll never get over loosing my husband. Just like you couldn't ever "get over" losing an arm.