Honest

 Being honest about the question "how are you?" Is hard. Most of the time the asker is only asking because it's what you do when you see greet someone. Our responses are automatic and in some variation of - "I'm good, and you?" It's a response trained from childhood. My 3 year old nephew already knows the answer- replying "I'm good" when he's asked. My 6 year old niece likes to excitedly answer "I'm doing great!" And while there is nothing wrong with teaching these things to children, I can't help but wonder if we aren't doing them a disservice. 

As someone who has spent a bunch of time in a kindergarten classroom, I know that we teach children about emotions. It's an important part of development for them to understand that a frown means sad and a smile means happy. But while we teach them this on one hand, we teach them not to acknowledge their own feelings with the other. 

My husband used to check in with me every so often. If he picked up on a vibe of mine he would simple ask me if I'm doing OK. If my response included the word fine in it he would pause. He told me that he learned long ago that "fine" was girl code for somethings wrong. 

Why did he have to learn that? He was never wrong. Subconsciously I'd say I was fine when I really mean any number of other emotions. 

Imagine a world where when we were asked how we were doing, we were honest. You go into an interview and the person across the desk raises to shake your hand and ask how you're doing. Your response "I'm a bit nervous" or "I'm excited" or even "a little stressed at the moment" Could be a great segue into actually getting to know the person being interviewed. Why are you excited, nervous or stressed? The same with friends- shouldn't friends care if life is less than perfect? Asking how someone is doing should be a genuine invitation to talk about your feelings and your life. 

We go through a lot. 

No one's life is easy. And yet, we spend so much time trying to make others think it is. Our grand illusion that we present to the world. 

When I lost my person I went through a phase of wanting to be brutally honest when people asked me how I was doing. Wanting to be sparky was a phase as well. (How do you think I'm doing...etc)I've settled into a way of answering that is more of a dodge of the question. 

"How are you doing?"

"I'm ok" Is my usual response. Sometimes, if I know the person is knows my situation I'll say "I'm surviving" or "I'm still here" but I never am truly honest. 

So I'm going to be honest...at least once. 

How am I doing? 

I'm sad. All the time. Not in a depressed way. In fact, you'd never know I am sad if you saw me. I am proud that I have gotten up every single day. I haven't refused to face the world. But...I'm sad. My husband...my best friend...my person isn't here anymore. I don't know when I'll see him again. I miss him. I look at everything differently now. And I'm sad that I am having to change...adapt to this new life. I'm sad that the Alicia of 7 months ago who would have heard about Coolios passing and been sad he was so young but then went on with her day, is gone. Instead this Alicia reads about it and feels like it's just more truth to the reality that you just never know how long you have. I'm sad when I see those cute older couples going about their lives...because I don't get that with Alden. Sad that the person who I want to tell things to, who got me on a deeper level than most anyone, who saw "me" and never judged me or asked me to change...that he is a memory that feels like a dream somwtimes. Sad that I wa to have every detail of him in my mind, but instead when I try I see him during his trauma. And sad that really...my life is hard...it sucks...and I will never feel the fullness of happiness again...(Please don't read that wrong- I can be happy. I've had some happy times...but I will always wish he was there too...) 

But that's just me. There are so many people who are having a hard time. Who are exhausted for one reason or another, or who are sad for reasons anyone would be. Maybe next time you are asked "how are you?" We could try to answer honestly...and as the asker it may help us both know the person better and have a bit more of an understanding of people's feelings. 

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