Morton

 Dear Alden, 

I spent the day in Morton yesterday. Morton is both hard and peaceful for me. Hard, because as many memories as our main home has, Morton has more. It's where we fell in love. It's where you snuggled me for the first time. Where you bore your soul to me because you saw a future for us. It's where we spent our honeymoon, and danced naked in the rain late one night. There are a million memories that were made there. Countless fireside talks and meals cooked. Just so many memories were made here. 

When I was talking to the neighbor yesterday about the view of the trees it made me remember the last photo you took there. You were working at the table. I was not there, it was demo day for the bathroom. But you looked up from your laptop and looked out the window. The trees were still brown, as it wasn't quite spring. But you snapped a photo to send to me. Your message was just "I love this view." I knew you did. You loved the peace that looking at the trees brought you. You also just loved Morton. 

As I spent the day doing yard work, I was tired and decided to relax for a bit. I went to our bedroom and layed down on the bed. I have changed that room so much. Your dad visited and even was in awe of the transformation I've made. It's become a very cozy space. But as I layed there I started to drift off to sleep. And while I was in that twilight before dreams- those few moments when you have control over what you see in your mind - I was back 4 years ago. Laying in that very spot. We were still dating. You had told me how comfy your bed was, and encouraged me to lay down while you made dinner. So I did. I had spread out on the bed and had to agree - the bed was very comfy. And for a while I was back there. Hearing you in the kitchen making dinner. Smelling the sauce you were creating for your signature dish. I could almost hear you bustling around. And for a moment I dreamed that I was truly back there. That you had come to the bedroom, a giant smile on your face, to ask how I liked it. That I opened my eyes and the room was back to how it was...and that my heart was overjoyed when I saw you. 

My tears brought me out of the memory. I felt them fall on my cheeks as I opened my eyes for real. I wasn't back 4 years ago. I was in the room as I had created it. The bed, although the same, had different and new sheets on it now. But I smiled through the tears. You are why I am here, in this town I had never even heard of before. You are why I have the confidence in my decorating- enough that I was able to create the room as I had imagined it. And although I hate that you are a memory....that you are the best 4 years of my life...that it wasn't so much longer than 4 years...I know I wouldn't change a thing. As much as our life together feels almost like a dream...I still have this house...this house so full of so many memories...as a testament to your existence. And the fact that I have so many memories here is like the earth shouting that Alden loves Alicia... And I will forever be grateful that you chose to spend the rest of your life as my husband. 

I love you, my husband. We have an eternity together to look forward to. I struggle...so much sometimes. But I'm still here. I'm still trying. I want you to take me in your arms when I see you again, and have you tell me that I did well. That you were so proud of me. So as much as I long to just dissappear and wish I could just be erased sometimes...I continue on. I remain on this side...and tell my niece that if she's lucky, someday she will find someone who loves her the way you love me. 

Until you and I see eachother again...when you can take my hand and never have to let go...and there are no more goodbyes....

I am, and always will be your wifey-

Alicia 

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