MRI

 Dear alden, 


Today I went for my mri. I've been having headaches. Constant headaches that meds don't seem to help. I'm a puzzle for my doctor. So he said it's time for me to have an mri. 

I'm clostrophobic. I'm sure you knew that.  They had to put me in a head cage for the scan. I was nervous. The tech suggested closing my eyes, and not opening them. So I did. And I let my mind wonder. You know what made the time (about 20 min) seem to fly by? Memories of you. Truly. My mind kept going back to memories of you. I watched you propose to me. So excited that the ring came in, and wanting to show me. You pulled me into you and leaned down to say in my ear - "Alicia Dempsey, will you marry me?" I saw that scene...that happy scene a few times while I was in that tube. I saw you asking me what my comfort food was, and then making it to perfection for me...because you wanted me to be happy. I remember all the times you made it for me. Even learning the exact temperature to make sure my steak was done to my liking. I remembered how you liked to set the mood when we ate- with music and how we would laugh when we had a mix of cultures so we tried to find music that would fit. I thought about how many times you learned about something I loved and then you did it. 

My memories didn't make me sad this time either...like I am while I write this. No. I was smiling with my eyes closed. I like to think that maybe you were there with me. Holding my hand and sending me happy memories so I wouldn't panic. 

It's funny...in a sucky way...how losing someone gives you this new perspective. Looking at life from the rear view mirror things seem so much more clear. In the moments...in the midst of things...I couldn't see all the little things you did for me. In the moments I would be annoyed about some things, or assume wrongly about something you did. But looking back...looking back I see how well you took care of me. How you wanted me to be happy. And how much you love me. Not that I didn't know those things before...but seeing them from this perspective...I didn't know how lucky I was. We weren't perfect. We had our misunderstandings and times when we didn't see things eye to eye. But we never gave up on the other person. And the love...the love was always there. Always. 

As I started to write this I realized that my awe at how we turned out is still in tact. 30...20...10...heck, 5 years ago had you told me that my heart would belong completely to Alden Lavin, I would have scoffed. That I would write journal entries to him. Bear my heart in his name. Be overjoyed to take his name. Heck...that I would be proposed to in my parent's driveway, happily wrapped in his arms...I never would have believed a word. 

The heart is funny like that. Given the right circumstances...you never know who you'll fall in love with. I wasn't interested. Never had been. I just didn't really think it was ever a thing. I mean...it would be a lie if I said I didn't keep up on what you were doing. When I would drive by your mom's house, as we got older, I would look to see if I saw your car. When we were kids, I purposely made sure I walked by your treehouse, to see if you were there. When I was 16 and I had my friends over for thr night, we went on a late night walk. I hoped you'd see us. A bunch of girls walking around in the dark. Not that I cared that you didn't...but I secretly knew you were good for a laugh. When my siblings all went for a ride in your miata...I remember looking our the window and seeing you. My mom told me if I went out that she was sure you'd give me a ride too. But I refused. I didn't want to for whatever reason. When my sister started spending time with you, and we all wondered if you'd ask her out...I didn't understand how I felt about it. It felt weird to me. When you spent so much time with my brother and would have the two of them over to your place...they'd come back and tell me the things you said about me. Why I was even a topic of conversation is odd...let alone that it bothered me a tad that you thought I was looking down on people. Then when you came over once...to see my dad. I remember thinking you didn't look happy. And when we met up with your girlfriend and you in Seattle for dinner....and you teased me for worrying about getting a ticket for where I parked. 

You were so much a part of my life. I just didn't know that it wasn't meant to be yet. That all it took was a simple smile from me...a smile to say "hi Alden!" When I remember thinking it was just kinda me being overly friendly...but that smile is what changed things for you. A simple smile stuck in your mind when you wanted someone in your life that was happy to see you. Our past and history of judging eachother and not really giving eachother a chance...all forgotten in an instant for you. You liked my smile. So when you were having a hard time one day you called me...and the first time you came over to game we spent 20 minutes just talking about Star Trek. That lead to a couple of phone calls and some texting. Then finally I came out to see your house...and the rest was history. Why did it work like it did? I'm not a huge flirt...yet I flirted with you a ton. I'm not forward...at all...yet I realized I liked you and wanted a relationship from it. So, with the encouragement of a friend, I asked. I was not the forward type, and yet I played silly girl games so you'd hold my hand that first night together. And when our first kiss was weird...I cursed myself the whole way home for doing it wrong...and was determined to kiss you again..the right way...when I saw you next...which I did. And I told you I was falling for you...that time at the river. I put it out there first. I told you I was looking for marriage...and I wasn't shy about my beliefs. It all just seemed to fall into place for us. We both felt like we were simply meant to be. Suddenly...the time was right for us to start. 

And then...that day you took me to walk around the grounds at the Hawaii temple...when you said that if we were going to "do this marriage thing" then you'd like it to be forever. And that melted my heart. You loved me...and wanted forever with me. And then...once we were married...when you came upstairs and said it again- that you didn't want anyone else to have me in the next life. That you wanted to be sure that was a thing for us. I felt so very loved. And I was so very in love with you. 

That hasn't changed Alden. I will fulfill my promise to you - we will be sealed for forever on our anniversary. I decided that way you can always still only remember the 2 important dates - my birthday and our anniversary. 

Gosh I love you. I never could have imagined that loving someone so much could be a thing. But I love you...all of you.. every memory of you...every conversation we had...everytime we laughed or did little acts of service for the other person...I love your stubbornness, the way you said drawer, the little bump on your nose, how you'd pull your coat collar up, your side smiles, your laugh, your arms...everything. you are my person. You always will be. Just as I am yours. 

No one gets me in the next life but you, Alden. Just you and me, together forever.

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