Night

 As you walk into your bedroom you start to get into your nightly routine. Nightstand lamp is on, so you can turn out the rest of the lights. You slip out of your clothes and into the big t-shirt you like to wear to bed. You hear the water on in the adjoining bathroom. Your husband steps out and smiles at you while brushing his teeth. You can't stop the smile from playing across your face. He's a goof. He makes is way over to you, only to tease you that you haven't made your way into the bathroom yet for your bathroom rituals before bed. Brushing teeth, washing face and adding lotion. You had read about proper skin care and had a whole step by step routine down. You were determined that you'd have beautiful skin someday. You had started to see good results with your complexion, and you're hoping that isn't just a fluke. 

After your time in the bathroom, you rejoin your husband who is now in bed. As you get ready to turn put the light- using a switch that still needs to be connected to your Alexa but hasn't been yet- you lift the covers and join him. He has his switch out, ready to play a quick game before falling asleep. He always asks if you'd like to join him. Gaming together is something that makes you both happy. But not tonight. Tonight you have some work to get done before falling asleep. Ukraine and China are just getting up, and thet have questions about some of your recent orders and bridal requests that have been made. 

As the time approaches midnight you decide to sign off for the night. Tomorrow's alarm always comes early. You look over at your husband, still happily playing his game. "You'll be tired for your meeting if you don't call it quits soon." You chide him as you start to snuggle down into the covers. "Just going to finish this round" He says. You smile to yourself as your eyes close. It's the same every night. Either he's playing a game or "reading the internet" on his phone. He uses the time to turn off his mind and just relax before falling asleep.

As you start to drift off you hear him put away his gaming system and get settled in for the night. You wait. You know what's next. It seems to take a bit tonight, and you're starting to wonder if he might have forgotten. 

Then you feel it. Three taps of his arm on your head. You smile. "Would you like to snuggle?" You hear the familiar question even as you start to lift up your head for him to slide his arm under it. 

"Yes. The answer to that question is always yes, Alden." You say, and you feel his other hand pull you closer. 

This...this is how you fall asleep every night. Tucked into his loving embrace. Sometimes your head is on his chest,  being lulled to sleep by the rhythemic sound of his heart beating. Sometimes its on his arm, a spot you both discovered long ago wouldnt out his arm to sleep and be uncomfortable. Both are ways to be close and really snuggle as you sleep.

You haven't fallen asleep on a pillow since you were married. And you honestly wouldn't have it any other way. 

Some people complain that their lives have become routine. I loved my routine. My every night. I miss my normal. When you loose someone you struggle to find a new purpose. I have been struggling to find a reason to care. Why worry about my complexion anymore? I don't see the point. Why take the time to make sure future you has less lines? I cared because I loved being the person my husband saw. Now...now I'm lucky if I remember to do minor upkeep skincare. 

I now sleep on my pillows. They are nothing like my husband's arm or chest. I much prefer those. I fell asleep so much better in his arms than I ever did before I had him. 

Nights are especially hard for most widows. Sometimes people think it's because it's when the house is quiet so the alone-ness is more apparent. While that's part of it...it's also the time when your loss glares at you. Your bed is empty. Your routine isn't what it once was. You don't have someone next to you, to hear breathe or feel move in the night. It's an emptiness that is hard to exist in...when you know what should be filling it. 

Nights...and really mornings are hard for me. Waking up every day to know it's another without him...and remembering that once I had someone who would lay next to me in bed...and see me sleeping...and tell me that it made him happy that he married me...just having me next to him like that. Sometimes he would slip out of bed before me and wake me up with a gentle kiss, to help me start my day. Or he'd hear his alarm go off, and I'd try to get up as well, only to be pulled back down by my waist and snuggled tighter. "Just a little longer" he'd say. "I need more snuggles!" And who can say no to that? 

Appriciate what you have. I know I didn't. Not really. Look at every moment with those you love as a gift. You don't know what the next moment will bring. So cherish every memory, even the little ones.