Sucks

 Gosh this sucks. It sucks to go into a specialists office and have them go over your emergency contact info. "Your primary contact is your husband- Alden Lavin, with your dad as 2nd. Correct?" Guess who didn't change that...as long as my dad is on there too, I don't want to start to cry right here in the office. Yes, my husband is my primary contact. My husband. I miss having a husband...being a wifey. Knowing I always had someone in my corner. Having him hold my hand through the hard stuff. 

This thing that I'm doing now...it isn't really living. I know that. I long for questions like the 16 year old one, so I can imagine a time when I could have loved him for longer. My favorite times are when I sit in my back yard and can zone out...close my eyes and be back in his arms again. No one seems to really understand just how much I miss that...his arms. They made me feel small and loved and cared for, and safe, and so many other things. 

I try. I try to live my new life. To try and enjoy moments...to make memories, because they are what matter. That's really all I will leave behind when I'm gone. Memories of who I was, what I was. My niece has already said she knows that when its my time to go that I'll be happier because I'll be with uncle Alden again. And I hate that even she can see that. I don't want to be remembered for that. 

And so I try. Fake it until you make it, as they say. 

And I find photos like this one. This is Alden in Australia. With a classy t-shirt on. He had so many "classy" t-shirts. Haha. I am so glad I know about his time in Australia. His little stories he would tell me about what he did there. When I think about Australia, I think of how he called me one night, while we were dating, because I was on a trip and was having a rough day. And while he was on the phone with me he had me close my eyes and imagine how he would take me to Australia someday. How we would go the next time he had to for work and how he would take some extra time off, so after he wad done with work stuff we could go onto New Zealand.  He had me imagine going to the Lord of the Rings places there, because he knew I dreamed of going. And how when he told me that last bit, I opened my eyes and said "really? You'll take me to new zealand?" "I promise." He said. And although we never made it there...I hope to still go someday and take him with me...in my heart. 

Sorry. This was long. Anyway, I love you Alden. I miss you more than anyone could ever really know. You will never be forgotten...as it is my job to make sure your memory lives on. I just wish we had had more time...

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