Mad

 Dear Alden,




I was in my office today, cursing you for all the security measures you put on my various accounts...and how that causes me to find extras to sign in to things...and how that just adds to my stresses...and I realized something -


Part of me is mad at you. 


I know a lot of people blame God when a loved one passes. Why would God do this to me? What kind of merciful God would let his children feel the anguish that grief brings? But I haven't really felt mad at God. I hate grief, and how this whole thing feels...but I understand that my pain can help me be a better support to the next widow. We all live to die. I accept that. 


So it's really you that I am mad at. 


You left me. 


Did you look back at me, before you left? Did you see me trying my hardest to save your life? If you did look back, did you just think "She'll be ok"? I'm not, by the way. I'm surviving. Someday I hope to get to "Ok"...


Did you simply step from this life into the next? Were you surrounded by those you love that had gone before? I think about the play - Hamilton. Right before he dies the play pauses and he sees his friends and loved ones that had died before. He looks at them and wants to join them...then he remembers his wife. The person he'd be leaving behind. And he just says "I'll see her again." And he is at peace with going. It's supposed to be about him. How he was ok with starting his next chapter. It's supposed to be sad, but you're supposed to be cheering on his widow and how she carried on his legacy. 


But did anyone stop and think about how much it must have sucked to be his widow? To be stuck on this earth for decades...without the one person, she could turn to for support? 


That's me Alden. 


You moved on without me. You're on to your next chapter and I'm still stuck here on this one. You promised me that you weren't going anywhere. That you'd always take care of me. 


Those last few months...when you felt so strongly about spending more time together. When we had conversations that we never got to finish. 


You got to step away. You got to go where you are surrounded my love and have a clearer view of things. You get to explore a new place, meet new people, and learn new things. As Peter Pan said - Death is the next great adventure. And you 


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