Photo

Dear Alden, 


I keep a photo, on the wall just to the right of my monitor. It's not readily visible when you enter my office. It's sort of tucked behind in a way as to not attract attention. The photo is one I took during our first year of marriage. We had spent the night in Morton. It was early one morning, and I had slipped out of bed to grab my phone off the charger in the kitchen. As I inched myself back into bed you moved a little. You were still asleep. But you had felt me leave and return. You shifted and pulled me close to you. The way a child would clutch their favorite stuffed animal. I loved being snuggled like that. It both made me feel small and so very loved. In the moment you grabbed me to pull me close my phone was forgotten. But for some reason I thought of taking a photo. A quick snapshot of you and how you held me so close. It's a terrible photo of me. I'm squished into you and the angle is horrible...but my gosh I'm glad I have that photo. I had never planned on showing you that I took it. A secret reminder for myself of one of my favorite places. I don't think you ever knew I took that photo. I had it printed, not long after I lost you though. And now...now it's where I catch a glimpse of it every so often. Like yesterday. I was working, dealing with brides and figuring out taxes and accountant stuff and working on my list of things to do...just generally a bit overwhelmed. And then I saw that photo. It made me stop for a moment. So I could just look at it. 

That was me, in the photo. Oddly positioned both in your arms and with an arm outstretched to take the picture. Me, the one who had someone nuzzled into her neck as much as one can with a cpap on. Me...the girl in that photo had so many stresses but in perspective they were nothing. She was loved. So very loved. And happy to be in the arms of her husband. Finding her way being a wife, and really enjoying her new life. 

And that was you. Sleeping as long as you could. I always said it was your super power. And you loved snuggles. You always said that the worst thing I could do to you was to refuse being in your arms. It hurt you deeply for me to not want to be there. You, who never wanted to get married and yet had taken to it like a fish to water. You were happily married. Happily married and snuggling your wifey while continuing to sleep in the image I captured. 

Sometimes it hurts to see that photo. To remember what I lost. But yesterday it gave me the moment I needed to take a step back from my work and stress. To just live in that memory for a moment and remember that you were real. It was all so real. And that you are still here giving me hugs...because I know how much it hurts you to not be able to get them. So seeing that photo yesterday was like a hug from you. Reminding me that you're still here. And although I miss feeling your arms being around me and holding me tight...the warmth of your love remains. 

I love you. I know I say it often. That I could fill a book with how much I say I both love and miss you. But I will always miss you, and I will always love you. Until we meet again, and you greet me with your big smile and an outstretched hand saying " hey wifey" before pulling me into your loving arms again, never to let go. 

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