Progress

 Dear Alden, 




I chatted with my counselor the other day. She told me that I am making good progress. She helped me see how my grief is progressing, how I'm progressing. She said she can tell how hard I am trying. How much work I've put in so I can heal. I'm grateful for the progress. For the EMDR that is helping with the trauma part. Some parts of healing are a relief. 


But, as I told her, my inner 5 year old doesn't want to hear that I am healing. 


That's hard to explain. But it's the best way I can describe this little rebellious part of me. This part that doesn't want to heal. That honestly just wants to cry and lay on the floor throwing a fit. The adult part of me knows that it does not good to do that. That suppressing those urges is what's best. 


But it's what I give into every so often. 


When I just want to give up. When I'm just done trying and want to scream at the injustice of it all. 


That's my inner 5 year old. 


My counselor asked me what I think that part of me is upset about. She wanted to know if I really even knew. 


But I do. 


She's upset because it all feels so unfair. 


It's not fair that I waited so long to find someone, only to lose them after such a short amount of time. 


It's not fair that I lived with all these hopes and dreams since I was a child. Wanting to get married. Have a family. Always have someone to do things with. To not be "forever alone". 


And when we got together I quickly found that you were the answer. You were what I was looking for, in more ways than I even knew when I married you. We were such a good match. We complimented each other in so many ways. I was shy, you were not. I was all about family, you struggled with that a bit. You were the real yin to my yang...and although we weren't perfect...we were happy. You were always my refuge in a storm, Alden. Always there when I needed you. The one person I always wanted to tell everything to. 


You were what I had been looking for for so many years. 


And it's not fair that I didn't get that for longer. 


I had always dreamed of being able to say that I was married for longer than I was single. When we got married I realized it could still be true for me. I had always looked at the elderly couples and smiled, hoping that someday I would have someone who cared so much for me. 


And now we won't get that chance. 


It's not fair that I meet older ladies, and when they hear that I am a widow they have this understanding look come over them. I have more in common with them than people my own age. 


It's not fair that I was finding my stride in my social life. Enjoying how you loved going out and doing things with people. Enjoying the fact that you loved to travel like I do. That we travel quite well together. Finding myself when it came to my own voice for things...standing taller because I was getting used to hearing all the positive things you said about me. 


And now those things are gone. 


It's not fair that you left me behind...and I'm stuck here trying to figure out this life. That I cry when I watch anything about those left to mourn. That part of me relates to those who contemplate suicide. 


So so much of this is just not fair. 


But my adult side says that we have been told from childhood that life isn't fair. 


So although that inner 5-year-old comes out every so often, for the most part, she's just a voice in my head. Quietly throwing a fit that any time is going on without you. Rebelling at the very idea that anything has changed. 


My counselor said that at some point I'll have to reconcile that part of myself. There's no rush for it now. But someday...someday I'll have to help that part of me be ok. 


Today's not that day though. 


And as I told my counselor- that part of me...and the progressing part of me...we can agree on one thing- 


this sucks. 


And we all need to be more comfortable allowing people to say that their situation sucks. 


Gosh I wish things were different. That I had been able to save you that day. That today you'd have come to me, after work, and asked me if we could spend the weekend in Morton. I'd have been happy to do so- rain is my favorite weather there. And I would know that a weekend with you there, while it was raining, would be a weekend wrapped in your arms. And what could ever beat that? 


I love you Alden. My whole heart loves you. Every breath I take is because I love you. I am determined to have people know you through me. That's what keeps me going. If you got married so that someone could make sure you are never forgotten...to have someone carry on your legacy...then I'm going to do that for you. 


I just wish I could see your smile once more....feel your arms around me again...hear you call me "wifles" even one more time. 


But I know that's not possible. So I cling to my memories. You will live forever in my memories, Alden. With the warmth of your smile and the feel of your touch. 


Until we meet again...and we can create new ones together. 


But until that day...I will continue trying...continue progressing...and continue moving foward...so you can continue being proud of me. 


-Your wifey, 


Alicia 

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