Still Hard

 Dear Alden, 


The other day I had the chance to talk about you...about us..to someone you never got to meet. We talked for hours. I laughed. I cried. It was nice. When they left I realized that I loved being able to share you like that. 

But at the same time I was wishing you were there. Having you come downstairs to say hi as you quietly grabbed something to eat before returning to work. 

Is it funny that that is something I miss? The meaningful side glances and the silent looks? 

Remember how you would always beam when someone mentioned something that you thought would interest me? How you'd shoot me a side glance and nudge me under the table, to encourage me to not be shy and to participate in a conversation. Remember how you'd give me a look if someone was doing something that made you uncomfortable? How you'd want me to solve it for you, because I was the social graces part of our relationship. 

That's another thing I miss. Your dinners that you'd host. 

Remember that first time you hosted your Amazon team at our new house? They were all vegan so you had told them you'd make vegan pad Thai. When you told me I laughed and said I couldn't make that. You just passed it off and said you would. So you looked up a recipe and got all the ingredients. Remember how I got super stressed about the whole thing? How I wanted to just leave you to it and dissappear for the evening because the idea of failure gave me anxiety? Remember how you saw my stress and gave me a big hug and told me it was going to be ok? That you needed my help and that I needed to stay for you. That if I needed to leave after that then you understood, but you wanted me to stick around to help you. So I did...and you got me to be comfortable enough to stay and play hostess. You joked I seemed to stress out right before any dinner plans. So anytime it happened again you just turned on music and told me to come sing and cook with you. 

I'm sorry I wasn't a better wife sometimes. Remembering you made me realize how much I should have been better. 

I have a confession - I am working on changing almost every space in our house. The family room, the outside, the mancave, the bedroom...all of it had changed somehow. Except your office. I cannot bare the thought of changing it. 

For some reason you had left a pair of socks, underwear and your nice black shirt on top of the carpet cleaner in there. They are still there...in that same spot. 

Gosh I want you to come home. I want you to walk in the door as if nothing had happened. To come in and holler for me because you had missed me too. I want to see your smile again. See it reach your beautiful eyes and...and I want to be in your arms again. I think you'd have to pull me off of you. I'd never want to let you go. 

My heart is broken. It shattered into pieces the moment time moved on without you. 

I spent some time in my peaceful place today. Hearing reminders that I will get to be with you forever was something my soul needed reminding of. I spent part of the time being able to sit in silence. And just exist. No worries or cares flooded my mind. It's the only place I can do that. As I sat there I looked at the flowers in the center of the room. They were fake, but they had an abundance of them in all varieties. And as I looked at them I thought of how I've heard stories about heaven. About how beautiful it is there, that the colors are more than our mortal eyes can see. And I thought that you'd probably enjoy the flowers there...in heaven. That you'd probably pick some beautiful ones for our little corner. Something you'd be excited to show me. I thought about how happy I'm sure you are. How I'm sure you're running about getting things done. Exploring, learning, and preparing for my eventual return to you. 

And as I sat there, thinking those things, I knew that me wanting you back was selfish. More about me than you. Sometimes I don't care rhat it's selfish. But at that moment I was happy that I knew you were at peace. A peace I yearn for myself. You have countless loved ones - both yours and I'm sure mine - surrounding you. But I do too..both of our families have come together to support me as well.

I also rembered something someone said to me - that you and I are still close. Separated only by the veil that shields this life from the next. 

You're like the "e" I write at the end of our last name so people will say it right. The e that makes all the difference but is really invisible. 

As always, I want to tell you I love you. That you gave me the best 3 years of my life. You showed me what it is like to be loved. And I will no longer fear death, as I once did. I have someone I long to see...that I know will be there to greet me when I've done what I have left to do before I am supposed to join him. I love you Alden Lavin. I will love you into the eternities. 

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